Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy New Year! (Now THAT is an original title)

This will be the first ever Brian Spain Year in Review Blogg on Blogger. Also, the first one written on my new laptop. The best thing about never doing one of these before, is there is no pre-conceived template for me to use and therefore, a shit-show should commence. In advance, you're welcome.

This has been the best year of my life. It can not be stated any other way. This was not a perfect year for me, and in no way would I construe it as such, but it was seriously the best year of my adult life. This is the first year of my life since I was 12 that I did not consider suicide at some point (or multiple points) in the year. I will not get into the darker areas of my life, but this one simple fact makes it far and away the BEST!

The End.

Ok ok ok, you probably want more than that. And any lady that has had the pleasure of being with me knows, I AM a giver, so for all you ladies out there (and the few gentlemen who dream of this), I continue.

My year started off great because I was in a new relationship with my best friend. It still had that new relationship smell. I was petrified. Neither myself, or my girlfriend at the time had planned on starting a relationship with anyone, much less each other. She was my best friend, and I was hers and one night we had a temporary moment of weakness. The next morning neither of us wanted to hurt the other's feelings by saying that we did not want a relationship, so a relationship was born. And THAT was the single smartest thing I did in 2010. Fast forward six weeks later and we are still in the puppy love phase. You know what I mean, the random sweet text, the finding an excuse to touch the other person. And then there is the new discovery made every day about the other person, "I didn't know you had a fear of bugs".

Yes, 2011 was starting off on the right foot. I hated my job; that didn't matter, I had Gault. I didn't like my apartment; that didn't matter, I had Gault. I didn't like the stagnation I had developed in my life; that didn't matter, I had Gault. I knew I needed to make some changes in my life, and having someone so amazing support me gave me all of the confidence in the world. I would have done the same things without her, but they would have been much, much harder. Do not get me wrong, they were not easy in any sense of the word, but having her support helped.

I hated Crumbs.  This whole paragraph is a rant about how they treated their employees so feel free to skip it if you do not want to read about my hatred of all things Crumbs Bakes Shop. Here is the thing with Crumbs Bake Shop, when I started out with them they were a smaller company and cared about the employees. By the time 2011 rolled around, Jason Bauer had become a terrible person in my eyes. Everything was now about making money and damned be anyone who stood in his way. I hated that he ruined my lovely job. And here is a fun fact about Crumbs Bake Shop, they sell their old stuff first, and then put out the fresh. So when people ask what we did with the old cupcakes, and we were forced to say (or be fired) "Oh, we send them back to the bakery and they donate them to the homeless", what we REALLY wanted to say was, "Duh, you're eating them bitch". My final straw with Crumbs Bake Shop was when after being given kudos all through the year as one of the top Assistant Managers in the company, my review was horrendous. I later found out that it was because Human Resources had told all DMs and SMs that employees must be given bad reviews so as to keep raises to a minimum. Upon getting my review, I put in my notice the following day. I would no longer bow to their wishes. Then to top it off, they gave all lower paid associates a $1 raise to bring them from $10 to $11. That sounds nice, right? What they failed to inform all associates was that the new minimum starting wage for Crumbs Bake Shop was $11. Even associates that had been there for almost 2 years, was now getting raised to the minimum. That means someone starting their first day at Crumbs, would be making the same as someone that worked 2 years to help Jason grow his company.

Upon quitting Crumbs, I became a full time background actor. That is a rather cool job. I do not make that much money, but I survive. And it is fun to have friends say, "I think I saw you on tv last night, were you on _________?" to which most often times I can reply, "Yes, I was".

I also moved out of my basement apartment that had been my home for over years to my original dwelling in Astoria. My friend's roomie left her with no notice and she was going to lose the apartment if she did not find a roomie stat. I was happy to oblige because I know how much that apartment meant to her. I will not say that it was a mistake moving in with her, but it was not a comfortable living situation. No matter what I did, it was wrong in her eyes and somehow a personal attack on her. I could not wait to move out of there. And if you wonder if I was ever thanked once for helping her to save her apartment, the answer to that would be no. No I was not. Gross. I still wish her nothing but the best in life, but I am much MUCH happier in my current living situation. I have a wonderful roomie who realizes being room mates is a partnership, not a dictatorship. I love my apartment. :-)

I feel like up until now this has been a very negative blogg, so let me now get to all of my successes on the year and you will see why I think it was overall, the greatest year of my adult life.

First up, Gault. I have had many friends ask me what is so special about her, and why she is the girl I chose to date after all of my years of singlehood. I know it sounds cliche, but if I could tell you what made Gault so special, she wouldn't be special. She is a wonderful person, who has a good heart, and I feel she is sometimes misunderstood. She is loving, kind, patient, and tender. It didn't hurt that to be a white girl, she has a black girl's ass. That solves a lot of problems. haha The first ten months of the year I shared with Gault, and the last two I spent getting over her. Some would say that the last two were a dark time, but I found out then that I have some really good friends who care a lot about me. They were there for me, and still are. This is the first New Year's Eve in New York City that I can say I have close friends here, and that is awesome.

I love my job. Where I am at now in my career is nowhere near where I want to finish, but at least I'm finally starting. For now, my survival job is actually an acting survival job. That is awesome! I can not help but be excited. Yes, I could currently be making more money working retail, but for the first time in my life, I'm doing the job that I want to do. That is such a good feeling.

Also, a highlight of 2011, I got to spend a week with my best friend Shauna in NC. I watched her little sister (and my adopted little sis Alex) graduate high school. I went to the top of the Empire State Building again. My parents came to visit three times and each time they come, we get closer. I can not express how much it means to me to finally have parents. It took a long time to get them, but now that I have them, I appreciate them so much more. I've been to the World Trade Center memorial. I watched every Dolphins & Panthers game. This year I got the new tv I wanted, the new phone I wanted, and a new laptop. (I know these are material things, but it was the first time since 2004 that I could afford to buy myself what I wanted)

I grew up a lot this year. I know I may still say, or do some childish things, but my views are so much better. I was called by not one, but two people the most selfless person they know. I talked about Jesus more. I become a lot more patient (everyone can thank Gault for that). I now feel like a grown-up. When someone screams out, "HELP! I need a grown-up!" I can reply, "Hey, I'm a grown-up, how can I help?" [And let's be honest, I do not think that I have ever heard someone scream out, "I need a grown-up", but if the situation arises, I can now step up to the plate.]

I like me. And I mean that. I used to say it and it was a lie. I used to hate myself. Not this year. This year I learned to love myself and although I'm not perfect, I've learned to appreciate my flaws. I have talents that other people do not, so it is only fair that I would also have some limitations. This has been a great year, and if next year is better, I will truly be one of the luckiest guys alive.

Now for New Year's Resolutions:

Be a better listener.
I believe I am an excellent listener. I often times have friends tell me that they can not believe that I remember things they have told me. But, it is because when people speak to me, I listen. That doesn't mean that I can not improve. This year, I will be a better listener.

Force myself to go out at least once a week.
I do not like going out. In the two months since me and Gault broke up, I have been out around 17 times. Before that, I don't think I had been out 17 times in 6 months. I like to sit home and have quiet time. However this year, I am going to make myself go out more and make more friends. I will not let social anxiety keep me down.

Use Google Calendar more.
I have a knack for remembering almost everything. This upcoming year I am going to offload some of the workload to Google Calendar. That way I can better organize my life.

Get lines on 3 different shows
Publish the 2nd book
Start a youtube channel for my skits

I think the goals are pretty self explanatory.

In closing, I wish I had some really amazing quote to put here at the end to inspire all of you for 2012. Unfortunately I do not. But maybe the best quote I can give is none at all. There is no quote that says if each person in this upcoming year goes out and lives their life to the best of their ability, and tries to love their neighbor that the world will be a better place. There is no quote that says not everyone sees things the way you do, and that's ok. There's no quote that says "Just try, and smile, and love, and things will turn out ok", but there should be.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

What Christmas Means to Me... (ed. note: Ellipses added to improve reading experience)

Remember how as a child, at some point in time you had a teacher force you to write, "What Christmas means to me"? I feel like an ellipses is needed in that, so let's try this again.

Remember how as a child, at some point in time you had a teacher force you to write, "What Christmas means to me..."? (Doesn't the ellipses make that much better?)

I was thinking about that today. This year for Christmas, I am sitting in my apartment in the Bronx, by myself. I chose this for myself and feel like it is the best possible way to celebrate Jesus' birth. This may sound crazy to you, but with the exciting month I have had I needed a day off. That gives me time to write this, for YOU. Without further adieu:

What Christmas Means to Me...

Christmas means to me that Christ was born. This is His day, and we should be thankful for His birth because without Him, we could not have eternal life. I believe that even Non-Christians should be thankful for this man's birth, because without Him, there would not even be the pagan form of Christmas. So non-believers say what you will, but you should give thanks to His birth even if you do not believe He is the Son of God because His day is what started all of the family gatherings.

Christmas to me means friends and family. For the first time in my adult life, I am not working in a retail environment for Christmas. And I am SO thankful for that. Anyone who has survived the horrors of working a retail job at Christmas knows that working in that environment sucks most of the joy out of the season. This is the first time in over a decade that I have CELEBRATED Christmas. In the television industry, production grinds to a halt over the last couple of weeks of December. This has given me time to spend with friends. The first day of this month I had a party that was amazing. That was followed by a week of my family being here. Since December 13th, I have not had a single day that was not spent with at least once friend (save Sundays). It has been a blessing to see all of the people who mean so much to me. Over the course of the year, I get caught up in trying to be a famous writer, actor, comic, artist, clothing designer, entrepreneur that I often do not have time for myself, much less someone else. I made it a point for this month of Christmas to celebrate friendships, because friendship is the best gift of all. I have a full slate through January 7th and after that I know it will be back to the grindstone, but for now I am enjoying a life with friends. I spent my Christmas Eve (and into Christmas morning) with Jazmin and her family. They are beautiful, loving people and I felt welcomed as if I were a part of the family. Even if I was the token white guy in the Christmas pictures. :-D

I try to not play up this part, but we all know that Christmas means gifts! I spent more on Christmas gifts this year, than in the previous 10 combined. And, I did almost all of my shopping online instead of going into Brick-and-Mortar establishments. Those employees are underpaid and under appreciated in the stores so I did not want to contribute to their work load. I firmly believe Christmas isn't about what you get, but what you give. I tell most people, "Please do not buy me anything". I've been blessed with the ability to purchase almost anything I desire. (Luckily my tastes are not lavish) I do however enjoy giving gifts. One of the top highlights of this Christmas was giving my Bestie Jazmin her gift, only to leave her speechless. It felt good. The most important gifts to me are the ones that were made by hand or that thought was put into. I never want a gift card. What I do want is home made candy. (Thanks Michelle) I never want clothes. Unless, you buy me a tie because you saw me wearing a shirt one day and thought, "Wow, I saw a tie the other day  that would be the perfect match". I will not bore you with more examples because I think you get the point. I do not like people spending money on me, except my parents and (if I have one) my significant other.

Christmas is a time for happy Facebook statuses. I rarely read facebook, but I took 30 minutes today to read down my news feed to see how everyone was doing. It made me smile to see so many people happy. I wish that we all could carry the joy and love we feel in our hearts today, with us for the entirety of the year. The world would be a lot better place.

Finally, Christmas means to me that the current year is about over. A new year, and a new chapter begins one week from today. (How many of you noticed that New Year's Day is exactly one week after Christmas Day?)  I have one week left to accomplish this year's goals and plan what I would like to accomplish in the coming year. For me, this past year has been the best year of my life. I would like to thank all of those that had a part in it, but I will save that for next week's blog. I usually do not make New Year's Resolutions, but my resolution for 2012 is to blog 52 times next year.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I'm soooo amazing! (and humble)

I was thinking today that so many Manhattanites adopt babies from third world countries, and then they hire nannies (also from countries with less than stellar economic situations) to raise the children they recently acquired. So why don't they just kill two birds with one stone and adopt the baby WITH its mom!

Since this is thee BS blogg, I figured I should put at least one thing thing that is BS in ever Blogg. Right? Well at least try to. Here is my BS moment for this installment. (OH I should call the BS item in the Thee BS Moment, You're reading history right now!) So now, without further adieu, THEE BS MOMENT: I was on set yesterday preparing to enjoy my lunch when something comically sad happened. I had made it through the main line, and approached the dessert table. I was in luck, there was ONE slice of Carrot cake left. There was plenty of chocolate cake, vanilla cake, and Banana Cream cake. There were canolis, and cheesecake, and other assorted pastries. To put it in the simplist form, there happened to be PLENTY of  desserts. However, I was the one grabbing the last slice of Carrot cake. As I placed it on my plate I heard someone behind me saying, "No, no NOOOOO!!!" (and yes, the last 'no' really was screamed at me) I turned around to see a 60-ish year old woman was looking at me and she said, "IIII wanted the carrot cake". So I did what I thought was right, and gave her my slice. She did NOT say "Thank You". I was NOT surprised. However, she was SO gracious as to give me a sliver of the cake.

I have more to write, butttt I'm tired. I waited until way too late to start this tonight, so guess what, I'll edit this tomorrow to make it longer. Yep.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Now that's some BS

I'm sofa king funny.

I had a stressful day that shouldn't be stressful. I mean, sometimes I wonder how the fuck simple things can be so difficult.

Today I only needed 3 pictures printed. I went to 6 different places and none of them could do it. I finally find a Duane Reade that said, "Yeah,  we can do it, no problem". I gave them the 45 minutes to get them done, and returned. They weren't printed. The girl there told me the machine was broken. I asked, "WHY did no one tell me it was broken when I made the order?" They had no answer for that common sense question. Fucking retards.

Luckily Staples got me hooked up. So 7th time was a charm.

I'm almost happy that today was so shitty because I kicked ass at comedy tonight. I ad-libbed so much. I did a lot of crowd work. I'm going to buy the DVD so I can put it up on my website. I know you people want to see it. I'm freaking funny.

I'm going to bed, and tomorrow will be a better day!

Sunday, April 17, 2011


Soooooooooooooo I've really been slack at blogging since I moved to New York. It's been slightly over three years and in that time, I have blogged a grand total of maybe 10 times. This is me trying, yet again, to blog on a regular basis. I can't help it I am kind of a big deal and never have time.

What to say to start off?

I use a lot of bad language. I would blame it on being a comic, but I used it way before that ever came about. haha I will blame it on the fact a lot of things rhyme with the F word. I like words that rhyme. ANNNNNNNND Pallendromes.

I saw a Wal*Mart commercial today and the cashier was white. Where is THAT Wal*Mart at? I've never seen a white cashier at Wal*Mart.

Have you ever roofied a girl to get out of sex?

I have a book called, "So I Decided to Write a Book...." You can order it through amazon. Go to and it has the link. Rock. I'm going to make it an ebook soon. Get excited about that because I'm funny.

I recently moved to a new apartment. It's pretty and has a lot of sun light. I quit my job recently. They gave me a 42 cent raise and I gave them a 3 week notice. That was an insult.

Mt. Dew is my beverage of choice, but I also drink Milk, Pepsi (especially Throwback), Sunkist, Cheerwine, and water.

I like making Laura Wynn feel uncomfortable.

I still think He-Man is awesome.

I once did my kitchen in Cows. However when I was telling the chick I was dating about it via text, it said I did my kitchen in "boys". She was shocked and I was offended she was shocked. 10 minutes later I realized my phone had placed "boys" instead of "cows".

I like Chevy.

I'm very opinionated, but I do not try to force my opinions on anyone. I just make them known. This is it for my first blog, and I'm going to make a concerted ever to blog more often!