Tuesday, February 28, 2012

When I have nothing to say, I post a picture of me as a girl

I think when I have nothing to say is the scariest feeling I have in life. Not when it comes to conversations, not when it comes to speaking in front of a group of people, but when it comes to writing. Sitting in my room, and having nothing to say scares me. I want to make my living based on what I have to say. If I have nothing to say, where does that leave me.

I know others experience writer's block.

I couldn't think of anything to write after that. I think what bothers me is that for the first time in my life since 2005 I have TIME to write, and I can not find my voice. Yet, when I lack any time for writing my brain fires on all cylinders. I blame it on El Nino.

To reward you for coming to my blog filled with empty words, here is a picture of me in a dress. One of only TWO pictures ever made of me in a dress. Leading up to my birth, my sister wanted me to be a monkey. When my mom explained that it was not possible for me to come out a monkey, my sister said it would be ok as long as she had a little sister. Unfortunately for Heather, I came out a boy. To appease my sister's desire for a little sister, my mom and Heather dressed me up and made this picture. I introduce to the world my family's inside joke:  Brianna Spain. You're welcome.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Sometimes the best nights are the ones not planned....

So before I start this blog, I think it is important to state that FRINGE is by far and away the best show on tv. The most recent 3 episodes could quite possible be the best written sci-fi since the best episodes of Lost.'

I fully believe that life is what you make of it. But, I also believe that no matter how hard you plan and try to make life better, things will jump up and bite you and ruin your plans. It's how we deal with these (in my case, seemingly never ending) occurrences that defines whether our lives are good or bad, happy or sad, frustrated or rad. Yeah, I used rad in this blog. That's awesome, right? If I can get a "bitchin'" in here, I've done all I can do.

In my obsessive-compulsive view of the world, I want things to work out exactly how I plan them. As much as I love a free flow day where I can do what I want, when I want; I feel that if I take the time to plan out my day, then my day should be what I request of it. But, that rarely happens. Valentine's Day was one of those days where everything went according to plan. That was perfect.

Saturday night was not what I had planned, and that too, was perfect. I had planned on going to a party with a couple of friends, but one friend forgot all about it. In North Carolina I would have been upset, but here in New York, it happens. No matter how much we try to remember everything, it is impossible. Me and my other friend meet up, and decide instead of the party, we will just go to a diner and hang out. The diner was an excellent choice. The food was typical diner fair. It wasn't the best diner, it wasn't the worst, it was typical.

However, our conversation was anything but typical. It was great. I love having time to get to know someone when I think the person is worth getting to know. In this case, I most definitely do.

I planned on writing something funny today, but I have absolutely NOTHING funny to write about. Well this is kinda humorous, but not really. It makes me laugh. My friend today was saying that when we hang out on Friday, she will wear her pants sagging with boxers hanging out since we are going to "post up" at a bar. So I said, "Damn, guess I should have called dibs on that look, now I'll have to wear mine sagging with a thong". Which this isn't funny, but it is Bitchin'. BOOM! I used it! I deserve a prize.

Hopefully my next blog is much better than this one. Thanks for reading.

These BS LINKS Blogg, Vol 5

It's so GREAT to see MASE and PUFF DADDY in the same article again!
Oh wait, that was mace. My bad.

This is why I do not have the FACEBOOK app on my phone.
It is bad how much of our privacy is stolen from up without us knowing. I deleted the facebook app because of this.

Thank goodness I do not get the flu often!
Flu leads to Alzheimers

Special place in Hell for this guy
I hope that when I get money, I never become like this guy.

Warning: This Link title mayyyyyyyy be unintentionally offensive. If get offended easily, do not click it because I do not want hurt feelings.
This advertisement bombed

This guy got laid and I didn't. Something is wrong with this world.
What a dick.

Wait, the posterboy for atheism now says there may be a God?
There is a God. haha

Fur is murder! annnnd Murder is ummmm, help me out. MURDER!
Wearing fur is Murder, but killing someone for wearing fur, just good old fashioned fun.

Four Loko is what an underage kid drank before he died.
Maybe his parents should be parents instead of suing a drink company.

"Chink in the Armor"
Fox STILL refuses to report what was actually said. This reminds me of 4th grade when someone did something wrong and got send to the principal's office. Everyone talked about it, but no one would say what the person did. I find the lack of reporting on this more offensive than the offensive term.

Have a safe trip, see you next fall!
Girl falling on news

And boom goes the dynamite.... and you're pregnant.

Warning: This girl is scantily clad!
According to another student at BYU. haha This is funnysad.

No more than 354 Facebook Friends please.

Batman Swingers, where do I sign up?
This is for you Andrea.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

These BS LINKS Blogg, Vol 4

Gross Mr. Buchanan, gross.
And to think, this guy came close to winning the Republican Presidential nomination in 1996.

I'll take over 15 Million for a month of work. Yep.
However, if you read this article, it isn't as bad as most CEO's get. You know, the CEO's that cut other people's pay at the lower level and cause layoffs.

If I could teach T.O. one thing it would be that sometimes you apologize even if you do not feel like you were wrong. He has obviously never had a girlfriend. haha

Colleges banning plastic water bottles
This is GREAT news. I find bottled water to be a rip-off. It is also terrible for the environment. This is a win-win! And fun fact:  If you see me with a plastic water bottle, it has probably been used over 40 times.

Jason Whitlock is HILARIOUS!
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH HE SHOULD NOT have to apologize for this.

Judge me if you must, but this makes me sad.
I LOVED Degrassi! (The old school, not the new school)

FoxSports reported this story, but did not give what the offensive term was. Bad reporting. BAD!
It's sad when I have to go to no name sports blogs to get my news because FoxSports was lazy. However after some research I found out it was allegedly "Chink in the armor". Yeah, that's offensive, but that is a better line than 95% of comics could come up with so good job. And FoxSports usually has better coverage than ESPN.com. BOO FoxSports.com for being half assed today, or for being too afraid to quote what another company said. Shame.

Juror Jailed for Facebooking Defendant  THEN bragging about it on facebook.
Again, MAJOR site did not have a picture of this guy, so I had to go looking around the web and found it on a smaller site. Terrible reporting. AND here is the link to his picture, but you will see on USA Today they say the UNIDENTIFIED defendant, however she is clearly identified on Today's article in the first link. Seems that the more you look, the more reporters aren't reporting. What he looks like.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Valentine's Day aka S.A.D. (What it actually was)

[Before I start, I would like to thank all of my friends who came out to my comedy show on Valentine's. It means the world to me, and I am so thankful to have such wonderful and supportive people in my life.]

I will not go into how much I love Valentine's Day, since I stated that in the previous post, but for those who missed it, I REALLY love Valentine's Day. To Summarize: I am a hopeless romantic. In New York, I have noticed females are not so keen on guys being super romantic with them (and that sucks). Valentine's day is the ONE day where I can be myself and do sweet things and it is ok. Now on to the blog!

[And a super deluxe picture of us is at the end of the blog, so do not miss that!]

This was one of the three best Valentine's Days I have ever had. EVER! My top three in no particular order are this year, last year, and Melissa Stanley's year. I can not find a way to comparatively quantify which would be tops overall, they were all special. What made this year so special?

I woke up nervous on Tuesday. I believe part of what makes me so good as a comic is that I do not get nervous before shows. However, I awoke on Tuesday and butterflies were rampant. I did a lot of praying throughout the day. It wasn't just my show that night that had me nervous, I also had nerves from the pressure I had put on myself to give my Valentine the BEST Valentine's Day ever. I felt really honored to be Natalie's Valentine. I know that may sound stupid to use the word "honored" when describing a Valentine, but it is how I felt.

I had spent most of the day Monday shopping for Tuesday to make sure everything would be perfect. My goal for the Tuesday was perfection. Anything less would NOT be good enough. To me, my mission was accomplished. But do not let me jump ahead of myself.

I awoke nervous (as stated earlier), but knew the best way to calm my nerves was to practice my set. Even though I had already practiced it, and practiced it, and practiced it, and practiced it; practice would make me less stressed. And the more I practiced, the more the nerves disappeared. But, there were still nervous energy that could not be conquered. The only way to quell these nerves would be to cook.

A little known fact about me is that I love to cook. Also, not something I share a lot: I'm a REALLY good cook. It's a talent. What had brought about my nerves for the meal is that Natalie is a vegetarian. I have never cooked a vegetarian meal. Sure, if I did something simple, I couldn't really mess it up, but Natalie deserves better than "simple". Girls going out with me do not get "good enough", they get the best. When Nata-hottie was guessing what I fixed her for our dinner, she guessed "Steamed Vegetables". And I know that had I fixed steamed vegetables with rice, she would have been happy. And that would have been a fine meal, but for Valentine's she deserved better than that. Fine isn't good enough. It had to be perfect.

Although I haven't fixed a vegetarian meal before, I knew that if I trusted my instincts I could make a great meal.After listening to suggestions from my friend's fiance, I prepared spaghetti squash mixed with parsley and kale as the side dish. For the main course I prepared Eggplant Parmesan. I learned something that day. I am a GREAT vegetarian cook. I think I will cook more vegetarian meals in the future. (Sidenote: I have eaten nothing but vegetarian meals all week, and this will continue until Saturday (and have lost  another 2 lbs to get down to 178.5)) I got everything ready and placed it in the fridge.

I left to head to the club. I was hosting a Valentine's Comedy Show at Broadway Comedy Club in NYC, and I wanted to get there early. Natalie shows up before the show and she looked amazing. The room darkens and I go on stage. Natalie was seated on the front row. This was NOT what I was hoping for. It actually made me a little nervous. And by "little" I mean "Grand Canyon sized". I did my opening six and it seemed to go really well. People still love my "Dinosaur Arms" joke. As the night wore own, my nerves dissipated. I got stronger and stronger and by the end of the show was rocking out. The best part is, none of my friends could tell I was nervous. If they couldn't tell, then I know the crowd couldn't. WIN!

Natalie and I leave to go back to my place. We get home and I give her the gifts that I had gotten for her. I gave her a trophy (for being my hot trophy Valentine), a multi-pack of PopRocks (because she rocks), a home made card (because I feel those are more personal than store bought), and I showed her where I made a special picture for her on my Digital Picture Frame. I place our dinner in the oven. Fifteen minutes later I am serving Natalie her favorite food. I gave props to God for me guessing what to fix, and getting it correct. She could not believe I fixed it, and to be honest, I couldn't either. With dinner we had my favorite wine. I do not think it would be in her top 3, but she enjoyed it as well. It was a wonderful dinner. I mean, any dinner where one has to ice their nipples is a good dinner, right? WHAT!?! Exactly. (Just seeing if you were paying attention)

After dinner we started watching Bridesmaids. It was the perfect movie because we had said ages ago that we would watch it together, and just never had time. Valentine's was the night we finally had time. Hooray. I won't go into any more details about what happened post movie starting, but you can probably guess what happened. Without being gratuitous with the details, I think it would suffice to say we had some really hard core, engaging... conversation. I love that Natalie is beautiful, but I love even more that she is beautiful and can carry a good conversation. We talked a lot that night, and I am so glad we had several hours to talk.

By the time our eyes could not fight off sleep any longer, she had said it was her best Valentine's Day ever, and I had claimed it to be "Perfect!" My perfect may have came out as purrrfeck because I was sleepy, but she knew what I meant.

I would like to thank Natalie for being such an awesome friend and for being my Valentine this year. I feel really special, and really blessed to be able to bestow that title upon her. What could have ended up being a very sad, very bad, very lonely and depressing day for me, was a perfect day that I will remember forever. She eliminated my depression and got me out of my funk. I do not believe I would have kicked so much ass at comedy that night if it wasn't for her.

Here is a picture of us SUPER TIRED, but still willing to mug for the camera. You're welcome America (and parts of Europe)!

Valentine's Day aka S.A.D. (What I thought it would be)

[NOTE:  I was depressed for the two weeks leading up to Valentine's Day, and after reading this, I think you should be able to figure out why. But something magical happened as I was writing this on Monday the 13th, I realized that I deserve to be happy. I didn't post this because I wanted time to think about whether I should post it or not since my feelings were changing. However, after much consideration, I do believe that it deserves to be posted: Enjoy!]

I love Valentine's Day. There, I said it. I admit it, and it is in writing. When I am dating a girl, I try to at LEAST once every few weeks do something really sweet and romantic for her so that she knows how much I love her. But a lot of the time, I only try to do the small things so that she knows she is loved.  But on Valentine's, most couples try to up their romance, and I think romance is sexy.

I begrudgingly love Single's Awareness Day (aka SAD). It is only loved because I choose to embrace it as opposed to sitting home all day feeling sorry for myself. This year to take my mind off of the fact I am so desperately alone in this world, I will be hosting a Valentine's comedy show at Broadway Comedy Club in New York City. I will have the hottest Valentine I have ever had with me. I should be stoked. I should be the happiest I've ever been for a Valentine's Day. I will be doing the job I love, having someone I adore watching me perform, and then taking her out for a lovely Valentine's date afterward. A lot of people  would love being me for the evening.

However, I will still carry my hint of sadness. My heart still hurts from the dumping from my ex. Last Valentine's we spent the night together working at our Crumb-y job. It was actually one of the best days I had at that job. We sold out of cupcakes by 3:30 or 4. A second shipment came around 5:30, and those sold out by 6:15. For the rest of the night there was not much to do. The best part of it all was that I was spending it with a girl I was in love with. I was so smitten by this woman. She is smart, beautiful, witty, and talented. But I think the thing I loved about her most is that she is the first person I've dated where I trusted her completely and felt like she accepted me for me. So often I feel like people find me to be retarded, but she saw me for the good things that make me, me.

After work, we went back to her apartment in Chelsea and watched a movie. I know it wasn't fancy, or extravagant, or anything to make a romantic comedy about, but it was my best Valentine of my adult life because I was with someone I truly loved.

Neither of us work for the Crumb-y company that we used to work for. I know it is silly, but one of the first things I thought of when we both quit last April was "NOW we can have proper holidays together!" Valentine's was at the top of the list. I am a hopeless romantic, and I had always wanted a Valentine I actually loved to share the day with and plan romance. My wheels were already spinning on how I could wow her.

Flash forward a year to this Valentine's Day and she is nowhere to be found. My dream Valentine has been shattered. That is why even though I will be doing what I really love this Valentine's Day, I will be sad inside because the person that means the most to me will not be there. No Wrapido. No Hitchcock movie. No curled up on the couch not being able to get close enough to her even though I'm already squeezing her tight.

I know I should be thankful for all of the blessings I will have this year. I'm lucky to be doing the job I love on this day. I am lucky to have the hottest Valentine in New York. I'm lucky that I will have friends come to my show. I am lucky that my Valentine is willing to share me with a crowd that night. I am lucky.... But not lucky enough, because my former love will not be there.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

These BS LINKS Blogg, Vol 3

Here are this week's links. I will start off with at&t.

Oh how I hate at&t
Throttled at only slightly over 2.1 gigs. BOO at&t. I think there needs to be a website with a database of what at&t is throttling people at. Like what the cut off is for. Update: Towards the end of this week at&t was mentioned at throttling anyone that breaks 2 gigs. They said this was considered in the top 5%. I can not find the official statement from at&t, but I wish I could remember where I saw it so that I could share the link.

UPDATE from this morning 2/13/11
at&t is terrible. Switch to Sprint. (And tell them I sent you so we both get credit)

This is an awesome Super Hero Toys link!
I found this on Saturday of this week and it was just great innocent fun. I like toys. I think if people wouldn't consider me crazier than they already consider me, I would still play with toys.

Anti-piraters PIRATING!
I ENJOYED this article immensely.

This might be why the patriots lost. haha Seriously, it might.

In time for Valentine's Day, Romance is not dead.
This guy. He's a HOPELESS romantic. And I like how the judge said Red Lobster. I LOVE that place.

Sadness. Probably the stupidest reason for murder EVER!
Or the smartest. I defriended  someone this week because he copied one of my jokes on Facebook. I was livid, but when you have 5,000 followers on facebook and you have to use MY stuff to be funny, then that just proves I'm doing something right and I'm funnier than you.

The best way to prove you are not mentally ill is to sue for $900 trillion. Yeah, seems about right. Potato.
Right after filing the suit the woman said, "I am completely sane!" She then stripped naked, slathered peanut butter on her genitalia, and took off running down the streets yelling, "I like Ike!".

I hope you enjoyed the links for this week. :-)

Saturday, February 4, 2012

These BS LINKS Blogg, Vol 2

Anyone that visited the blog last weekend noticed that I've started doing a LINKS blog with, you guessed it, LINKS! These are some of the stories I read this week that I found interesting. A lot of the most popular links floating around the interwebs will not be here because I figure if you have facebook, or twitter, or the news you will see those. However, sometimes I will still put one or two in. So for this week:

I'm leading off with a doozy.
I am SHOCKED by this. iPhone crashes more than Android.
I am not being sarcastic. I am a Phandroid, but I do not hate the iPhone. One of the huge points that isheep make is how stable their os is. Looks like numbers do not support this. I have always conceded that the iPhone was more stable, but it seems I was wrong. oops.

Shame on you CDC
This hurts my feelings because it takes away from those who really have been sexually assaulted. Shame on you CDC, shame... on... you. And this forces me to bring up the fact that it seems more and more "reliable" sources are just making shit up. People are making up facts and saying they are real. It's different when I tell my friend Jared I can run a 5.2 40. I have NO CLUE how fast I can run a 40, but I made that shit up. I would never try to pass it off as fact. I think more people need to start questioning surveys and "Facts" presented to us. Thanks to this article for calling out the CDC.

Doesn't his jaw look wonky? Our Panther has the Down's Syndrome. But you know what, I'm all for them including the Down's Syndrome community. It's about time they had a team to root for. Up until now, the only team you would have to be retarded to pull for is the Bengals.

You know if it comes from Examiner dot com it is NEWS!
Did anyone here ever think they would feel sorry for Demi Moore? She seemed like she had her ish together. Sure, in the 80's she had the biggest jungle bush I have ever seen (Nicole excluded) [if you want to see Demi and are too lazy to google it:  Seriously, this link shows you Demi naked, do NOT click it unless you understand fully that it will show you Demi naked with GIGANTIC bush. I do not want ANYONE offended. So do NOT click if you do not want to see it.], but she seemed like she had a great life. I have always admired her. And I'm not even speaking to the fact she was hitting on Efron, more power to her. I'm upset that she is on drugs and seems to be falling into darkness. I hope things work out for you Demi. :-/

YAY PIGGIE! Ok, this is one of the ones that has been floating around all week, but I LOVED IT!

There's a Special Place in Hell for Yael Rothschild
And this woman is a mother. I would HATE to see how her children act. Watching this video, it looks obvious who he intended for it to go to.

Yeah, that's the way to prove to them you aren't violent, set fire to the stadium. WIN!

YAY for joblessness! And BOO for not wearing your nice Yankees fitted to job fairs.
I mean seriously dude, wear a nice fitted, not a creased one. PS How about not wearing a fitted at all!

Porn in the libraries? Hmmmm....
True story, when I started at ECU, there was a guy that would look at porn in the library all of the time. NO, it wasn't me. But he always sat at the computers right by the front door. He didn't touch himself or anything. He would just come in, look at porn for 30 minutes or so, then bounce. I often wondered what the rest of this guys life was like.

Dating can come without sex, second dating can not. :-P
hahahhahaha I make me laugh.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Good, ol' fashioned, WHO IS THIS BABY'S DADDY? comedy.

I thought about naming this blogg "Why Corny Guys Ruin it for the Rest of Us". But it didn't fit the entire blog so I had to come up with something else.

The only point I have about corny guys tonight is that one of my lady loves has THE PRETTIEST eyes. I mean wow. Don't get me wrong, mine are still better, but hers are amazing. And EVERY time I say, "Your eyes are amazing", I feel like a corn ball because so many losers say that because they can not think of a real complement. But seriously, they are amazing. :-)

I usually only date hot chicks. This is a given. And I have had more than a few people call me shallow, but I prefer to say I have refined tastes. Plus if I start dating all the less than gorgeous women, ugly guys are going to get upset with me. And if we know anything about an ugly man, it's that he has nothing to lose.

So this one girl (different than the gorgeous eye girl above) that I date got chosen a few days ago to be an NBA Girl for All-Star Weekend in Orlando. That's right, the NBA is flying her down to Orlando, Florida for the All-Star Weekend. I am incredibly proud of her. She is the definition of a hottie, and she is a great person on the inside and she deserves good things. Seeing her have the ability to do something she wants makes me feel good.

But, bragging on her is not why I'm writing. I'm writing because I was thinking that most of the NBA players are going to hit on her. This is a given since she is so HOT. And I spent a good hour thinking about which one I would be ok with if she did bang him. I decided Dwight Howard. He seems like a great guy, and his nickname is Superman. How can she say "no" to Superman? I mean, it can't be Kobe. He may be my favorite player, but what if she got pregnant. With that whole "rape" scandal a few years ago, I would never want a child to have to put up with taunts of daddy being a rapist (even though he was acquitted). I do not want it to be Lebron because he can be a selfish player, and she deserves better than a selfish lover. It can't be Dwayne Wade, because even though he is one of my favorite players, I think he would have a small dick. And that is NOT fair to her. You might think I would relish the knowledge of knowing I'm better hung than an NBA player, but then again, after seeing Greg Oden's picture in the buff from a couple of years ago, that knowledge has already been relished. And she definitely can't hook up with any no-name all star like Al Hortford (Who?!?!?! Exactly!). Out of all possible guys, Dwight Howard is the best choice.

AND the most fun is if she DID get pregnant, we would have to wait until the baby comes out to see if it is mine or Dwight's. That is several months of me saying, "Oh, I don't know, it's either mine or Dwight Howard's". That is something that can not be uttered enough in this modern life. Shoot, I almost think that whenever I do find the right woman, and get married, and decide to have kids, I will use that line anyway.

Long story short, I'm proud of my friend for achieving something that a lot of girls wished they could achieve. I know I have joked about her doing some non-lady like things, and they are simply that, jokes. She doesn't have to bang an NBA player. This was all a funny tangent that I thought of the other night when I was writing material for comedy. The basic premise was, "Who's the baby daddy: Me or Dwight Howard?" and all of the words you are reading have come from this one thought. I hope you enjoyed this blog and were not offended. It's just good ol' fashioned WHO IS THIS BABY'S DADDY? comedy.