Sunday, January 29, 2012

These BS LINKS Blogg, Vol 1

Welcome to the first ever "These BS LINKS Blogg". This will be a blogg that has some of the better links I've seen during the week. I feel like I read a lot of interesting things, so it will be my way to share some of the knowledge I have gained during the week.I will try to post one of these every Sunday so you can catch up on the previous week. Enough explanation, let's dig in.

This is sexual battery? Really? No, this is just good old fashioned FUN!
This is funny. OH MY this is funny. I am sure EVERY person that has partied at ECU has either witnessed this, or knows someone who has. I think if everyone watching laughs, it can not be sexual battery. Just my humble opinion.

Ice Ice Baby, too cold, too cold
Sweet. There is no better mix in life than Vanilla Ice and home improvement. NONE. FACT!

Cougar is offensive? Since when???
This is just dumb. They found "Cougar" offensive, but were all in for the "flaming vagina" until they realized it is hard to draw a flaming vagina.

Oh Girl Scouts....
I knew something was fishy about the Girl Scouts the day I was in the mall and they had their table set up across from Lane Bryant. I wish the box said something like, "Now with 30% less calories!" haha

Dude, you SHOULD have said burritos
I have nothing else really to state about this. I often times do not get racism, but this statement just seems so odd that I can not wrap my head around where he was going with it.

Priceline no longer negotiating? That makes me sad. So long Shatner.
This hurts my feelings. Using the negotiator I have never paid more than $150 (including fees) round trip to NC. (To get it to be $150 I think you have to bid $121) That always saved me at least $40. This is a sad day for travelers everywhere.

U!S!A! U!S!A! GM again number one automaker in world!
I miss days of random U! S! A! chants. I think we should bring that back. Yes, it was used mostly in wrestling, but why not use it during football games after the National Anthem? Let's do this!

This guy is my Hero of the Day!
By now, most of you should have already seen this, but this dude is awesome.
I think this is the best one done so far. Followed closely by "Shit Nobody Says". That guy is my new favorite actor.

This guy is my Hero of ANOTHER Day. Great job!
Man I love instant justice. My FAVORITE kind of justice is when someone tries to rob the pizza delivery guy and he shoots them. My belief is that if people knew there was a 33% chance they would die by robbing someone, they probably wouldn't rob someone. And those stupid enough to do it, wouldn't last long. BAM!

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed. I think this was a nice mix of different information. You're welcome. :-)

Thursday, January 26, 2012

I am so glad to not be at Crumb's.

No matter how bad a day is, I am always happier knowing that I do not have to go to Crumb's any more. Who knew that working at a cupcake place could be so terrible. I know it's been almost a year, and I should be over my hatred of that place, but it is only slowly seeping from my body. At this pace, it could be another 4 to 5 months before it is all gone.

Today did not go according to plan. I feel like very few days actually go according to plan for me. It started off great, I worked on my Valentine's set and I think it is pretty solid. It's good for a Valentine's set. I didn't put any relationship material into my opening five because I'm not sure what other comics are going to do and did not want to step on any toes. And I can always go into relationship stuff between comics if others are not doing any material.

My friend Andrea is going to come dressed as a Panda. That makes me happy.

My friend Gina is funny. And I like her hair curly. That's about all that needs to be said about that.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a great actor, so then people could tell how close I was to having a panic attack. But alas, I'm cursed with the ability to hide everything and put on a brave face. However, my curse is a gift because I can do things naturally that other people can not do after many years of training. So there's that.

This weekend I'm going to start a series of post called "Thee BS Links". It will be some of the top stories that I've read during the week with some thoughts. I think it will be exciting for people. Exciting is a horrible word to use for this. Let me try again:  "I think it will be mildly entertaining and slightly informative". There we go, that is not as good a sell, but it's more honest.

I like boobs. I haven't said that lately and sometimes it needs to be said. So there, I said it.

This blog isn't good at all. It's garbage. I'm not going to mention it on facebook. BUT, I promised to blog once a week and I do not think thee BS Links counts so this is what you're getting. Sorry friends.

I promise to try to do better next time. OH, Tony Kornheiser says that at the end of PTI. I love PTI. I love Tony Kornheiser. I do NOT love that I just wrote a shitty blog. My bad peeps. :-/

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Let's start off with this:
"Santorum Glitter Bombed at South Carolina Rally" (Not so sexy when I found out no strippers were involved)

I did not know what "Glitter bombing" was before reading this article. Now I know. I always called it "throwing glitter". Oh me and my technical terms for things.

And now for this:
This is a sex crime? I would have never guessed.

I'm sorry, this is funny. Anyone who doesn't find this funny, obviously never went to crazy parties in college. I laughed the day I read this article for the first time. I laughed when I told my friend to go check out the link. I laughed 25 seconds ago when I got the link to add it in this blog. I do not think it can be a sex crime when it is SO funny! [I laughed again when re-reading this post]

Now for the blog:

A long time ago (2007) in a land far away (Greenville, NC) I had a crush. Ok, actually it was more than a crush, it was a smitten love for one of my close friends. She decided she wanted someone else instead of me, and that hurt. Fast forward 4 years and some change later, and she tells me, "That was a mistake! I have NO idea what I was thinking". Although the sun has set on us ever having the relationship I so desperately craved back then, I feel very fortunate to still have this person in my life as a close friend. Hearing those words has put an temporarily continuous smile on my face.

This turn of events has led me down a road of reflection on my previous loves. I used to fall into deep smit at a rather constant clip. If it wasn't one girl, it was another. Sometimes I would not get the opportunity to profess my adoration, but more often than not I would get at least one date. I was a hopeless romantic. I would spend my days planning sweet things to do, and then when the opportunity arose, I could show my lady love just how romantic I could be.

When I moved to New York, I still had that same wide-eyed puppy love in my heart. In my first year in NYC, I probably had crushes on 100 lovely ladies. It would be hard not to when surrounded by so many attractive people. Somewhere along the line the love died. I can not pinpoint the exact moment I changed, but I know the relative time frame. My innocent smittens no longer exists. Now crushes rarely betide. Gone are the days of pining for a call, an encounter, a text. Gone are the days of obsessing over "what can I do to show this person how amazing I am". Gone also are the days of me being sad because things were not going exactly how I want them.

I know being constantly smitten is not healthy, but sometimes I miss my innocence. Or would it be more appropriate to say "my ignorance". I miss my rose colored views of love. I miss the rush of "OMG _______ called me!" I do not miss my feelings of awkwardness.

I hope this is not construed as that I have given up on love, for nothing could be further from the truth. I believe love is the most important thing in life. I only mean to state that I now realize that not every girl is "the one". Sometimes I can date someone just to date them and have a good time. That was a lesson that took way too long to learn, but maybe it took all of my missteps along the way, to make it to where I'm at today. (But more than likely those missteps just caused a major delay in me getting here. haha) I hold out hope that I will one day fall into deep smit again, but this time it will be because she has earned it.

I've done a lot of growing up over the past year, and for this I am proud. Needless to say, I still have a lot more growing to do, but I'm getting there. Be patient.

With that being said, I feel like I should end this blog with a dick joke. Here goes:

I've always heard you dress for the job you want, not the job you have.
So my question is this, how do you dress for blow?

You read that write, after all of the sincere writing about love in this post, I end with a blow job joke. That's a new joke that I wrote for the Valentine's SUPER Show that I am hosting at Broadway Comedy Club! You should come! Here is the link to buy tickets! TICKETS!

And here is an old show to get you in the mood. This was me just winging it one night bc I had a bad day. BUT, I'm still hilarious!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Wasted day? Well... sorta

I have done nothing today. The tough thing is, I didn't plan anything for today. Ohhhh I had assumed that I would work some more on my comedy, but alas, I only wrote one joke. It was a fart joke. Everyone needs one of those, right?

And I guess it wasn't a total waste, because I think the one joke I did write will be funny eventually, but I just feel unfulfilled today. I'm disappointed in myself. I figured maybe if I wrote something on here, I would feel like the day was a total waste, so here goes.

I once saw a homeless man in a wheelchair. He was missing part of his leg. He had five teeth, 3 of which were extremely crooked. He rolled by a penny on the ground, stopped, and locked eyes upon it. Then he swiveled his head around towards me and said, "I can't pick that up, it's tails, and that's bad luck". I nodded, and thought to myself, "Can his luck get any worse?" I think if I ever get that far down in life, I'll pick up the penny and risk it.

I think I will have a story about "Squirters" in my next book. Fascinating stuff.

I described the fashion of Jacksonville, NC as "camel toes and big bows". I think that about sums it up.

I'm writing a new set for Valentine's Day. You should come. $10 tickets mofo

"Mofo" isn't stored in my google dictionary. I feel like I have let google down.

I really am blah today. My time is so precious, and I get that I need to have a "me" day sometimes, but I would much rather have gotten more comedy done. I will have to bang it out tomorrow.

I like when women tell me exactly what to do. Do not confuse that with "bossy", although there is one lady friend that I call "bossy". She's a sweetheart though. But ladies, I am a very simple Brian. Tell me exactly what you want, and I'll accommodate that to the best of my convenience.

I wish "John Doe" had lasted another season. And that "Firefly" had lasted two more. At least with Firefly, we got "Serenity" to finish off the series. That was nice. And yes, I know there is a comic book, but by now you should all know I can't read. The bane to my existence.

I guess this is all for tonight. Just some random thoughts so I feel like I did something. I mean, my goal was to blog once a week, so at least I got that knocked out for the week today. Wish me luck in life, and for real, buy some $10 tickets. I will make your Valentine's MAGICAL! (I should learn ONE magic trick to perform that night. Yep.

PS I have THEE hottest Valentine in NYC.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Random Writings.

In advance, I should warn that this blog will have some "mature" language in it, AND PROBABLY not be that funny. Read at your own risk. Or your own reward.... what will it be?

Sometimes I don't want to fuck you.

I think I should have this printed on any blank t-shirt I own and wear it under my outer layers of style and flair. I was thinking about this today because I have a couple of friends that any time I give them a complement, they think I want to fuck them. Nope, sometimes I just think your hair is pretty, or that you look great in that dress. If I recall correctly, my first experience with this was at f.y.e. in Greenville. One of the girls working there thought that any guy that paid attention to her for more than a minute was trying to get in her pants. I always wanted to reply, "No, not with that gross mole on your face". But, I did not because I keeps it classy.

However, I know why girls think this, because most guys do want to fuck them. What did I tell you last week guys, this is the year of the gentleman, so no trying to score random poon! Sometimes I will meet a girl at the bar (or club, or supermarket) and want to talk to her simply because she looks like she has something interesting to say. Who doesn't love interesting conversation? Anyways, this is just a tangent that is going nowhere, so let's move on.

The previous paragraphs really have nothing to do with anything, but I'm working on material for my Valentine's Day Comedy Extravaganza to be held at Broadway Comedy Club and I was trying to turn this into a joke. I could not. So now it leads off another great blog from Brian Spain. Hopefully, the blog WILL get better from this point on.

I wrote this 8 years ago. I discovered it about 3 and a half minutes ago and had to share. I'm such a romantic.

My current feelings on love.... To me, love is like the ocean. It's big, and beautiful and spreads as far as the eye can see. Just like love, everyone gets all excited about going to the ocean. What will it be like? The ocean, like love is kind of scary. Especially your first time. Then when you finally make it in, everything seems to be going o.k. It engulfs your senses. It is a wonderful thing. Until you realize, someone pee'd in it.

And now, 8 years later I must add, "and do not even get me started on the fish smell". Ha ha. That's humor.

As mentioned earlier, I will be doing a special show on Valentine's Day (or as I like to celebrate, Single's Awareness Day) this year at one of the bigger comedy clubs in NYC. The room holds 250 and I hope it is a sell out, because playing to a sell out is what gets me going.

Sometimes I get frustrated with life, but lately I have not. I try to always look at the bigger picture. I'm further along towards my goal now that I was last year. Last year I did better than the year before. The year before was better than the year before that, and I think you see the trend. If I continue making my incremental steps towards where I want to be, then I will end up at my destination. But, if somewhere along the way I stumble, I've already accomplished more than I could have imagined when I was starting college. Life is cool.

I've been working on the book more over the past couple of weeks. Getting a new laptop that didn't bog down while opening word, OR overheat if on for more than an hour has really helped. I think I will do fine with this book. It's definitely funnier than the first. Here is the thing, some of the stuff I wrote all those years ago is funnier than what I think of now. However, most of the stuff is nowhere near as funny as I am now, or it just needs a little polishing. But in the end I think we can all agree, what do I know?

CES just wrapped. The Consumer Electronics Show is so exciting for me. I could go into all of the things I loved about it, but it would probably be easier to go to or So do that.

This hasn't been my best blog by a long shot, but they can't all be gold. If they were, I would make all other bloggers feel bad about themselves, and I can't have that on my conscious.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

First BLOGG of the New Year. You know what that means, right?

I have no idea what that means. So if YOU know what that means, help me out.

(Insert sigh)

I watched a man last night tell his 5 year old son, "You need to learn your mother fuckin' manners". Yep, that's the Bronx. And that's some BS! I have slacked off on offering a "BS" moment in each blogg, I will get back to it.... pronto! That led me to think about us men, and our manners.

So I had an idea, and this is a radical one I know, but I think 2012 should be the year of the gentleman. I know Ne-yo tried to do this a few years ago, but it didn't take hold. But maybe this year it could. And guys, stay with me on this; ladies, you do the same. It is HARD being a gentleman to a girl. When you are polite to a female, she wonders what your ulterior motives are. And women make it hard for us gentlemen to be gentlemen. They will question you. I use that term lightly because it is more of an interrogation. It is HARD being a gentleman to a girl.

Guys, I understand your frustration when you try to be polite to a female when she gives you such grief. Especially in New York City, it is HARD to be a gentleman. BUT, let me let you in on a little secret guys. It's so hard because of us. This girl you are trying to be polite to, has already heard every line in the book. She has been catcalled (I never liked that term, but everyone knows what that means), she has had random creepers tell her how pretty her eyes are, and she has had her fair deal of guys that are only nice to her until he gets what he wants. I completely understand that girls do not understand gentlemen, and it is all of our faults. This year, put all the past in the past, and guys, go out and treat ladies with respect. No using the B word, when you speak of them. No "HEY MA!"s on the train. No buying a girl a drink and then expecting something in return other than a great conversation. And here is the thing guys, make the conversation about her for a change. I am sure you guys are great, you wouldn't be reading this if you weren't. However, if you want to set yourself apart from other guys, pay attention. She is probably pretty great too. Everyone has SOMETHING special about them.

I think at some point in time, every single one of my close friends has been surprised that I remember the things they say. I will tell you the secret of how I do that (Man, I am a giver today, telling you all of my secrets). It is very simple, I listen. If you are getting to know someone, and they are telling you something, then it is probably important to them. Therefore, the gentlemanly thing to do is LISTEN.

Now I understand that most of you guys just want cuddy. So for you guys, do me this favor (and I will consider it my birthday gift); take this year off. For 2012, let's have one year where all guys respect females. Wouldn't that be amazing. Remember guys, your mom is female, her mom is female, and this goes on ad infinitum. Hopefully you love and respect your mother. But, you may not get along with your mom, or love your mom, but she did bring you into this world. Therefore if you like living, you should be thankful to her for that at the least. And if you don't like living, buy my book. It's on kindle. It will make you like life more! And if it doesn't, kill yourself. If my book doesn't make you happy than you are already dead inside, might as well finish it off.

This is DEFINITELY not what I thought I would be writing about today, but it was on my heart so I thought I should write it. I had to write because I am keeping true to my goal of writing once a week. Woo Hoo! I like "Woo Hoo!" It is not something that I ever utter aloud, but it always looks nice written. You're welcome.