How to Turn a Guy on!

First, I want to say thanks to all of the ladies who messaged me (either via text or email) to let me know they appreciated the last post. It actually was the most feedback I have gotten from a blog post since I moved to blogger from myspace (remember that?). I was rather surprised none of those comments made it onto the actual blog, but then I thought about the subject matter. It makes sense in this day of an interconnected on-line world  that people would not want their thoughts, comments, and questions on sex in a public online forum. Feel free to continue texting/emailing if that makes you feel more at ease. As stated in the previous blog, all interactions with me are anonymous. With that out of the way:  Let's BLOGG!

In the last blog, I had what a guy is thinking about, and how simple we really are. I think I will continue with that, and then for the next blog do Gal Talk! (For the Fellas).

Ladies, it is not hard to get us guys in the mood. I know this sounds weird, but it is not. I have a certain friend who was shocked.... SHOCKED to find out exactly how little it does to get guys into the mood. And, when I share it with you, you will probably be shocked too. First, I think it is only fair to give a few things that it takes to get a girl in the mood.

First of all guys, smell nice. If you want to get a girl in the mood, the first thing you need to do is take a shower, and get yourself all nice & clean. Then, put on some clean clothes (IRON THOSE MOFOS!) Feel free to spritz yourself with a little bit of cologne. All you need is a little bit; do not go crazy! Trust me on this. I know our mentality, if a little bit is good, then a lot must be GREAT! It is not. Just a little bit will do ya.

When you first meet her, give her a sincere complement. SINCERE! (that does not mean "You're hott!")

Then guys, you need to take her someplace nice. If you want a classy lady to enjoy your company: eliminate fast food. No girl wants to begin a courtship at Taco Bell. [Nothing against Taco Bell! I love the Dorito's Locos Taco, as well as Chalupas and Gorditas. I could eat Taco Bell every day of my life and be happy. However, this is not what gets a woman going.] If the lady you are courting ends up being "The one", they do not want to remember the date as, "oh we went to Taco Bell". And again, I'm sure your date will LOVE Taco Bell! Who wouldn't love their delicious selections? Especially with the new Cantina selections. But, this isn't what they want on a date.

Guys, pay attention to her while you are on the date. Now I know you will want to focus on how awesome you are. And we both know you are awesome, but how about letting her talk. Ask her questions. Get to know her. I'm not saying interview her. But, spend more time getting to know her, than talking about yourself. We have all fallen prey to wanting to boast about all of the things we do in order to seem interesting. But, if she is on a date with you, she has already found you to be at least a bit interesting. You do not have to blow your load in the first conversation. I'm sure you have heard, "Leave her wanting more". So guess what, leave her wanting more.

Everything I have given you so far is a good start. This will not have the woman "all gassed up and ready to go", but it is a start. There is a lot more work to be done to get her fully aroused. However, I shall save that for another day.

Now ladies, since you have been so patient while I explained to the gentlemen the beginnings of what it takes to get you in the mood; I shall now share with you what it takes to get us in the mood. I will give you a a minute to get a notepad and pencil.....

Ready? So ladies, in order to get a guy in the mood, and interested in bedding you... unbutton a button on your top.

That's it. Done. You're welcome. Suffice it to say, it is much easier for you ladies. You have to unbutton a button.

I KNOW right now there are some of you that are like, "NO! No way! It can't be that easy!" If you don't believe me, try it. When you are with a guy, and you want to get him in the mood, look him in the eye, and then unbutton the top most buttoned button on your blouse. See what happens next. That look in his eyes; that's you driving him crazy.

I believe this series is going to go on longer than 4 blogs. I have more to talk about how to turn on the fairer sex, and in the next blog I want to talk about a DEEP, DARK secret that you ladies may not know about us.

Guy Talk! (for the ladies)

The other night I was at dinner with a lovely lady that I formerly saw in a romantic way. She decided to talk to me about her guy problems. She explained how it seems like every guy she meets, all they want to do is have sex with her. I was like, "Right, go on?" To which she informed me, THAT is the problem. She doesn't understand why she only attracts guys that want to have sex with her. She wanted to find a guy that would appreciate her for her, not her vagina.

I laughed. It was a chortle, but I wanted it to be a belly laugh. I said, "Honey, you do realize that any guy that goes on a date with any girl wants to have sex with her". She was blown away. She said, "NO! That can't be. When we dated you never tried to have sex with me".

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh", I said, "But that didn't mean that I did not want to have sex with you. I wanted to fuck you so freaking bad! I just never said anything because you told me on the first date that you were not that kind of girl, and I did not want to disrespect you".

The following three minutes mostly revolved around her giving various faces of disbelief, and repeating "really" in various valley girl tones. With 5 seconds of conversation, I had given her years worth of material to think about. When she relapsed back into reality the first thing she did was laugh exceedingly hard. I would consider it her ab workout for the day. Her first utterance was this, "You need to blog about this". I scoffed, and she become more intense, "You REALLY need to blog about this. Women do not know this about men". So now I present to you ladies, a blog about men, and what we think. If you enjoy it, you can thank my friend for needling me to write it. If you do not enjoy it, you can blame me for not writing it well enough.

I think first and foremost, before the blog begins, I should let you know that I am not a normal guy. I have grown up with most of my friends being female. Therefore, I sometimes think more femininely than manly man. If my views do not line up with the average male, it is because I am not average. And for any guy that wants to "pull my mancard" for being so in touch with my feminine side, and admitting that women are smarter that us men; I am more of a man than you can dream of being. Ask any woman I've bedded.This has been my disclaimer, and now on to the show.

Guys. We are not too incredibly complex. On my normal day I think about: God, titties, my family, boobies, my friends, tah-tahs, what work I have to do, asses, do I have any chores when I get home that night, tits, what are my plans for the weekend, butts, hey my birthday is coming up!, and sweet sweet honey wah-poon! (By the way honey wah-poon (or hwp) is what I will be using for this blog to speak of a woman's vagina. I have no problems with using pussy, cunt, twat, muff, nappy dugout, or any other term, but I know some ladies do not like such vulgar terms and therefore hwp satisfies their need for me to keep it clean)

I have been very blessed over the years, to have had moderate success with the ladies. If you read Cosmo, I'm doing better than average. This in no way means that I am an expert in male-female relationships, but I know enough to feel comfortable writing this.

Single guys spend a lot of time thinking about how to see a chick naked live and in person. Girls, when a guy takes you on a date, he wants to see you naked. I do not know of a single guy that says to himself, "Gosh, ________ is so pretty. I just want to take her to dinner, and pick her brain so bad! I hope she has something interesting to say about politics, or her religious beliefs!"

That doesn't happen. Guys generally go on the first date thinking, "Hey, I wonder if I wear THIS shirt, and THIS cologne, and take her to THIS restaurant, if she will blow me?" Then, when no blowing happens at the end of the date, the try to make amends to their gameplan so that the next date goes "better". Now ladies, do NOT take this the wrong way. Usually, when a guy goes on a date with you, SEX is NOT the only thing he wants. Every guy can get sex without having to take a girl on the date. No matter what language you use, there will always be hood rats, white trash, and palaylos that will put out with little to no effort. A guy normally goes out with you because he finds something about you endearing. You possess a quality or qualities that he admires. I believe the percentage of guys who go on dates with girls just because they think they are hot, or because they want to bang them is much less than would be expected. Even with that, I would say it is a solid 50%. (which may be higher than some expect) I will not go out with someone unless I want to see them naked. I will admit that. However, every woman I go out with, has to have qualities that I admire in order to make me put forth the effort to go on dates with them. I will give you three examples.

The lovely female that encouraged me to write this blog. She is a very strict Christian. I find that quality to be endearing. She has a smile that can light up a room. She is very goal oriented, and has a lot of irons in the fire. I like driven women. I decided to go out with her because of these traits. The fact she is hot is just the added bonus. Had she only been hot, I would have never spent the time to take her out.

The second woman I will mention, is so lovely. I met her at bar, and the second I saw her I was like "WOW! She is gorgeous!" [I must inform you that I never do one night stands, and I will never sleep with a girl the night I meet her. I know that is different than a lot of guys that go to bars] As I talked to her that night, she seemed like a really awesome chick. She came across as polite, and fun, and a good person. Then she said, "I'm the kind of girl your mom warned you about". From all of the interactions I had with her up until that point, this didn't jibe. It made me want to know more about her. I will admit the first time I saw this woman, I wanted to take her to bed, BUT had our conversation not been so engaging, that interest would have been lost. Our first date their were drinks involved, and she made it back to my place. There was no copulation that evening. Get your mind out of the gutter. [This will be further discussed later]

And finally, my third example. I found this woman on an online dating site. The woman had a profile name that I thought was awesome. So I wrote her something smart ass about it, and she replied with a smart ass quip. I replied with something kind of hood, and she had a hood reply as well! This woman had spunk. I loved that she was an account executive with a really professional career, but could quote rap lyrics to me. Again, I wanted to see this woman naked, BUT had there been nothing else between us, I would not have went out with her.

So ladies, from these examples, I wanted you to see that YES, guys that go out with you want to see you naked, but that is usually not the only reason they go out with you. Yes, there are slimeballs that will try to bang anything that moves, and they care nothing about the girl, but that is just one end of the bell curve. Just like the opposite end would be the guys who care absolutely nothing about having sex with a girl while they are dating. I'm shooting for the middle of the bell to address as wide an audience as possible. With all of this being said, you should remember this, "If a guy ask you on a date, there is a 97.8% chance that he wants to fuck you".

That's it for this first blog on this matter. I have a LOT more to say, but it will be in future blogs. Ladies, if you have some questions that you want answered honestly, feel free to email me at TheeBrianSpain@gmail.com. Feel free to include a picture of your boobs to inspire me to answer it. ;-) [Questions will be anonymous and the fact you sent a boob pic will NEVER be mentioned.]

Stay tuned to the future blogs for:

Guys lie.
Guys, go down?
Hey, what does it mean when a guy does this? (SUPER HONEST Answers to your questions)

The New York Police Department does not care about me. And that hurts my feelings.

This is the story of my identity getting stolen. However, in my eyes, it wasn't so much an Identity Theft as it was someone writing down my credit card number and using it in another state. But we shall get to that soon enough.

On Tuesday, June 5th, 2012 I ate at Dallas BBQ on 72nd St NYC. My waitress was Eva P. I am in no way saying Eva P was the person who did this. I am just stating facts, as I know them. I mention this restaurant because it was the only place within a month that I gave someone my debit card, and it left my sight. It is quite possible I walked by someone who had a skimmer that read the strip on my card.

On Friday, June 8th at 7:40 pm I received a call from Capital One Fraud Alerts. They had some questions for me. I was at the mic so I had my ringer off. When I got home, around 8:45 I noticed the message and called them back. They wanted to know if I had made purchases of $95.56, $427.30, and I forget the other amount in Teaneck, New Jersey. I laughed, because I thought it was some kind of joke and replied, "No, I've never even heard of it". It turns out, someone had. Someone that had made a dummy of my card and was going on a shopping spree in Walgreen's in Teaneck on my dime.

Capital One said they would block all further charges, and I would receive all of the money back into my account that was stolen. However, I still felt violated. The first thing I did was call the Walgreen's where it was used. Since it had been within 2 hours, the staff still remembered the woman. Better yet, they had her on video on multiple cameras. I was excited because I knew that this would make it a lot easier on the cops. Better yet, they could burn a dvd of the footage for the cops to pick up.

After leaving the Walgreen's, this woman had went to Rite-Aide. Again, they had her on multiple cameras. I was excited. This woman would be caught!

I called the local NYPD Precinct (Precinct 50) and told them what happened and that I wanted to file a report. They told me that they could not take the report because my card was used in New Jersey. They told me to call the Police where it happened. So I called the Teaneck Police Department. They told me that they could not help me because the original crime was stealing my debit card number, and that happened in New York. Therefore, it was an NYPD problem. I went back and forth between the two for several phone calls. Finally, I called someone at the NYPD that said they could file it as a identity theft and to come in on Saturday between 8am and noon.

I came in at 11, waited until noon, only to be told that they could not file a report without something from the bank saying that I had been robbed. The cops said it would have to be something showing the amounts had cleared, and not pending. When I went to Capital One, they said I would have to wait until Tuesday to get that print out because the amounts would clear on Monday night.

Tuesday morning, I went to Capital One to get the print out. Unfortunately they were TOO quick in putting the money back into my account, (they had cancelled all of the holds) so I went to the police department and again tried to file my report. This time things went rather smooth. I had to wait an hour or so to be seen, but it wasn't too bad. I had gotten all of the information together for the police department. I had the woman's description, I had what times she was at which locations. I had already asked the Walgreen's to make a video. I had everything done for them. I even had the head Detective at Teaneck say that he would get the DVD to them.

The next day, Wednesday, a woman from the Police Department called me. She needed me to fill out one more sheet of paper. I went there immediately, filled it out, and was told that the detectives would call me when they had the video so that I could see the person who used my card. I waited a couple of weeks and did not hear anything.

Therefore I called the 50th precinct and asked what the deal was with my case. I was informed that no one had taken my case and no one would be taking my case because it was a misdemeanor, and it wasn't worth their time to go across state lines for a misdemeanor. I asked if the guy was kidding, and he said no. And, that if I had any issues with it, he could give me a phone number to call and complain.

I knew that would do no good. So long story short: if you need extra money, steal people's credit card information here in NYC, and then drive over to Jersey to use it. The Police will NOT do anything about it as long as the amount is low enough that it is a misdemeanor and not a felony. This hurt my feelings a lot. When I lived in Greenville, and got my apartment robbed, they did nothing about it. When I lived in Greenville, and someone stole $200 in gift certificates out of my mailbox; Greenville Police did nothing about it. In that case, I also had the person on video at both Target, and Food Lion (where the cards were used). So, if I have learned anything, it is that you do NOT have to be a genius to make a living as a criminal. You just have to make sure that you only steal up to the amount that keeps it a misdemeanor. It is not worth the cop's time to investigate anything that is not a felony. Part of me understands. Cops should be investigating murders, and other dangerous crimes. But the other part of me says I am NOT the only person that this person stole from. And I am sure if they add up all of the people together that the woman has used their cards (She used 6 at the Walgreen's that night for her $1,000 purchase) then I'm sure it would become a felony rather quickly. However, it is much easier for the Police to not do anything, than to do something.


In conclusion, I now have Lifelock to keep anyone from opening new credit in my name without me knowing. It sucks having to pay an extra fee each month, but it is comforting knowing that if anyone uses my Social Security number on anything, I will get a phone call. 

You simple, simple woman....

Read this:

Mom sad Dad won't go on vacation

and please tell me what you think. I think this man is being incredibly selfish. I think this woman is either in denial, or is too simple to realize he is using this as an excuse. I read this, and my first thought was, "WHY is this in the Wall Street Journal?", and my second thought was, "This sounds like a typical selfish New Yorker attitude". It falls into the me, me, me, not the we, we, we. I think that is the biggest difference between the north and the south. In the south we are raised in a "WE" culture, but in the north it is much more "ME". 

Thoughts, opinions?

These BS LINKS Blogg, Vol 8

Not everything that deals with black or write (or yellow or brown or red) is racists. Sometimes it is just the color of someone's skin. The simple fact is that it was a black kid who didn't bring his permission slip, so they put a skin-tone matching smiley face over his face. Had it been a child of another ethnicity, I am sure that child would have a sticker that matched his or her skin-tone as well.
Parents are retarded sometimes because this is FUNNY!

So when I run for president in 2020; one of the things I am going to push is education reform. Education NEEDS to be A>Better and B> Cheaper in this country. I can not tell you how I am doing that yet (I do not want other politicians stealing my ideas, but needless to say I will make America a better country).
Community College Cutbacks

This guy deserves to spend a few years in prison. Why is he not being arrested and tried as if he was driving a car? In most states, a bicyclist is considered a vehicle, so normal traffic laws apply. Had he been in a car, he would be in jail. The fact that he jokes about his helmet (which would be funny if he hadn't hurt anyone but himself), leads me to believe he has no remorse and maybe time in prison will teach him that life is worth more than a $20 helmet.
Dickie Cyclist

When Bobby Petrino dicked the Falcons, I was hoping he would fail miserably in the college ranks. He has not. He is a good coach. I give him that. But, as a human being he is shit. Utter shit.
Bobby Petrino is a scum bag.

News in America is biased. Almost every news outlet said, "ONLY 120,000 civilian sector jobs added. I'm sorry, but isn't GAINING 120,000 jobs a lot better than LOSING jobs. And then most state that the unemployment rate ONLY dropped 1/10th. The last time I checked, LOWERING unemployment rates is always a win. If you are sane, this should make you question who are the forces behind putting a negative spin on GAINING 120,000 jobs.
Only 120,000 jobs??? This sounds awesome! 8.2% is better than 8.3%

The Quaker Oats guy got a facelift!
Hubba Hubba, is that a oatmeal raisin bar in your pocket or are you happy to see me?


If someone brings a sign like this to one of my shows, I will comp your drinks.
And maybe please you sexually afterwards. (Females only please)


Pictures can influence perception
This is old news now, and since this story broke, there have been many outlets that switched to more recent pictures. Again, why does the news want to influence your opinion instead of giving you facts?

She's so darn pretty.... in her own mind
This woman reminds me of so many people I meet on set. Her dumb bitch face needs to be quiet.
Follow UP
She got her feelings hurt. Maybe her dumb bitch face needed to be quiet.

In other news, I am not starring in a Prime Time series right now because every single person in Hollywood is intimidated by me. [Note: That's bullshit. I know it, and you know. But I wanted to say something utterly ridiculous too!]

atnt
I hate at&t. I HATE them. Here is where someone sued them in Small Claims Court and WON! If you had throttled data on the unlimited plan, you should too!

Google Maps 8-bit is awesome
My favorite April Fool's Day prank!

Olberman...
being Olberman.

More women obese than thought.
I hope America wakes up soon and realizes that we are too fat. I've lost 25 lbs in the past year, my roomie lost 20, my dad close to 50, and my mom 15. We are doing our part, are you?

More info on obesity.
Seriously, America, YOU'RE FAT! Lose weight. It's not me, it's you! And New Yorkers, just think how much more comfortable the subway would be if NO obese people rode it.

This ties into last week's blog.
Apple Next iPad, not so Next....
If I had $10 million, I would short Apple's Stock. Eventually the iSheep will wake up and realize they are getting 2nd rate products for premium prices. I used to be a huge Apple fan, but I can't be any more. Not until they actually start innovating. I'm calling it now, if they do not change, within 10 years Apple will be like Kodak.

This is sad.
Mary J for Burger King?
Hey, remember when every black guy you knew wanted to bang Mary J? And then a few years later she won all those grammies? And then she cemented her career by singing for Burger King? WAIT WHAT?!

What are the odds that she didn't actually win?
If she did, this is one of the few times I am all for a lawsuit. (And an ass whoopin') Soooooooo, I posted this one on here Monday morning. In the 6 days since this happened, the woman has come out that she "can't find" the ticket. Who else is shocked?

These BS LINKS Blogg, Vol 7

If you read to the end, I have something special for you (if you are into the Hunger Games). I realize after typing that, some of you may skip the entire blog and go straight to the end to see the Hunger Games map. I'm ok with that. Enjoy!

This guy is awesome
"This guy" is Kevin Cunningham. He is the one that got the ball rolling on the "Prosecute Trayvon's Murderer" cause. Did anyone else expect it to be a ginger? This guy gets a lot of respect from me.

Apple's "The Next iPad" is not so hot. First we have this:
Processor not much faster
and then we have this:
People really can't tell a difference in the screen.
I'm not saying it is not a good product, but instead of calling it "The Next iPad" maybe they should call it "The Slightly Improved iPad". I used to be an apple fanboy. And, I still think of them as one of America's greatest success stories. But, I can't help but wonder how long they can sustain momentum when they release products that are only marginally better than the previous years when other companies are outpacing them. Apple tries to slow other companies innovations by suing first in the patent wars. My current phone (The HTC EVO 3D) came out 4 months before the iPhone4s and does a lot more. Yet, the iPhone 4s has sold MANY millions more. I think if people actually had someone to sit down and show them how much more Android can do, they would still chose the iPhone because of brand cache.

Here we have a woman singing the National Anthems before a Hockey game. She sings both country's since the game is between a Canadian team, and one from the United States. I believe she is a judge on Canada's Got Talent. In America, the saying is, "Those who can, do; those who can't teach". I believe in Canada it is "Those that can, do; those that can't, judge reality contest".
Two National Anthems, both bad.

Jesus had a great sense of humor
If you have read my book, you know that I believe this. If you have not read my book, then what is wrong with you?

You've had your fun, now it is time to leaf... I mean leave
Oh this girl. I would say she was barking up the wrong tree, but that put would make you leaf my page. My favorite part is at the end when her friend cock blocks the tree. I hope the girl didn't get a splinter.

Oh photoshop. Demi....
I have a friend, (and I know, surprising!) and I won't mention her name, but her Facebook Photos are PHOTOSHOPPED! Yes, vanity I call thy name. And if I ever decide I do not like this person with a lot of gusto, I will blog the before and after of her facebook photos. hahaha Nah, I wouldn't do that. But I feel Photo Shop is the scourge to true beauty.

People will sue over ANYTHING!
This would not happen in North Carolina. We have a "frivolous lawsuit law". I hope this old woman loses, and loses big. Does anyone else see the irony in the fact that her entire life it was a glass ceiling that held her down, but in the end, it was a glass wall that took her out? Don't get me wrong, I feel bad that she is 84 years old and did not realize there was a glass wall, but suing is stupid.

Cops ticketing Drivers on the phone.
Brilliant!

This is me at the gym like errr day
This should make you giggle. I had seen almost all of these before, but it was nice to see them all in one clip.

Soccer Chick Gone Wild! (clothes on fist flying)
I feel like any comment I make will come across racist. I played soccer for 12 seasons, and coached for one. I have seen a lot of crazy stuff, but nothing like this. And although that play was not clean, I have seen a lot worse trips and tackles. What frustrates me about this is that it was the black girl that went crazy, and started throwing fists. I believe all people are equal, and no matter what your race, you should be judged by who you are and not the color of your skin. However, when you live in South Carolina, and you are black, and you go ape shit on someone (no matter what the color of the other person is), it will give others a reason to be racists. Not everyone has moved past the race barrier. When you are a representative of a minority, it is your responsibility to uphold yourself to a higher standard. You should want to extol all of the positives of your race, and limit the negatives. I know that this could just as easily been a white girl hitting another white girl, but do the other fine people of South Carolina know that? As a Southerner living in New York, I find myself often fighting the stereotypes that Southerners are stupid, we talk slow, and that we are all Bible thumpers. I try to always show the positives of being from the South and limit the negatives. That is the only way I can change people's perceptions of what it is like to be a Southern person. If everyone: black, white, asian, latino, or any other race realized that in order to denigrate a stereotype, it needs to be eliminated, racism would slowly die.

SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU!
HUNGER GAMES MAP!

These BS LINKS Blogg, Vol 6

The Lead-off:
Disappointed in you Patricia

I very rarely state my views sincerely (unless it is about the mobile phone industry or big government prying into our lives), but I feel this needs to be said.

I do not know Sandra Fluke, but I respect her right to have sex with who she wants, when she wants. It is none of my business. These people are calling her bad names without even getting to know her. I expected it from Rush, but I thought Patricia Heaton was smarter than this. Birth Control is NOT something that a girl can just pop a pill the day she wants to have sex. It is something that she has to keep regimented in her system. DUH.

Also, they call her a slut, but what if she is in a committed relationship with one person? What if her and her love wants to "do the grown-up" on the kitchen counter on Monday, in the shower Tuesday, on the love seat Wednesday, on the kitchen table Thursday, and go old-school and do it in bed on Friday. Is she still a slut for wanting to share intimate moments with a significant other? And even if it was a different  partner every night of the week, who are we to cast judgments upon her? Everyone here has done something bad in their life. Like for me, I listened to Rush Limbaugh once. I'm not proud of it, but we all make mistakes. Yes, I have called girls sluts in the past. But I outgrew that when I was 22. And ironically enough, the girls I called sluts were the ones that wouldn't sleep with me. Now I'm a grown-up. Now I know to call those girls lesbians. I'm mature. AND MAYBE I'm just too logical (God forbid logic ever enter into politics and national discussion, but maybe, JUST MAYBE birth control is cheaper than all the welfare babies.

And in conclusion, you do NOT have to read any of my previous comments on birth control because I'm a man. I should have no say in what a woman does with her body. But I tell you this, if they come up with pills for men for birth control, I'm eating those like Reece's Pieces. And anyone knows me, that means I'm eating a lot of them.

Something both Rednecks and Asians can agree on: This is AWESOME!
Too Fast! Too Furious! (And yes, I will probably put these on my Camaro!

I wonder why Verizon did not want Lightsquared as a competitor.
Maybe because they wanted to do this! A lot of you may not know about LightSquared. But, the FCC pulling their license exemption because of the GPS industries lack of ability to stay within their spectrum will cost this nation BILLIONS. Enough money could have been saved to provide free birth control.

Look out EVERY COACH I ever had!
This family is retarded. I think they should make this guy run the suicide drill. (Are they still allowed to call it Suicide Drill? That seems insensitive in this day and age)

Anyone offended by this should kill themselves.... quickly
I honestly added the above link AFTER this one and did not realize I had "Suicide" in two posts in a row. That does NOT make it look like I have a healthy view of human life. Oops.

I'm sad Disney relented.
Fucking fatties man. I think I'm going to start hating them.

Comcast Double Bills Customers, then charges them to fix it.
HAHAHAHA, this makes me glad to be on DirecTV. At least they don't charge me to fix THEIR mistakes.

Blacker please.
Ok, so the fact that the teacher wanted him to read it blacker does not offend me. The words written NEED to have the intended inflection to get the point across. We should not forget our history, for we would be doomed to repeat it. However, saying, "You're black, aren't you" is a tad bit offensive to me. I see where she was going with this. I include the link to The Poem so you can make your own decisions.

Always look at the serving size.
Companies have been fudging with these numbers since they were forced to put it on there. I think the government should step in and FORCE them to do this honestly. One  of the few times I think the government should get involved with anything.

Carol Vs Joan
I believe this is fake, but not sure how I feel about it.

This woman was a teacher?
How is this any way to treat a child that pees the bed? People sadden me.

Oral Sex AND fried chicken?!?!?
That is the life I want and deserve!

You're welcome at&t customers
Sometimes my big mouth pays off

I hate the rich.
Like seriously hate them.

Hugs

I like hugs.

Hugs are the greatest thing that man ever invented. Well since they are so great, it was probably a woman who invented it, but either way. They are great.

It is weird how people in New York differ from people in Greenville when it comes to hugs. New Yorkers  do NOT like to be hugged as much as their southern counterparts. It's weird to me. But, to New Yorkers it is weird that I enjoy hugs so much. Who is to say which is really correct?

I believe I am correct. Hugs are sweet, and make you feel cared about. I agree, there are such things at "creepy" hugs, but normal hugs are the closest thing to Heaven that I know about.

I can understand why someone wouldn't want a "creeper" hug. No one wants someone getting too "handsy" with them whether there is a hug involved or not.

Also, it seems that as a guy, if you hug guys you're gay. Yes, that is a scientific FACT in New York City. I find this to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard. How are guys in New York so insecure with themselves that hugging another guy automatically makes them gay. I'm not sure if people understand the concept of what gay really is. Gay is not how you dress, or how you talk, or how you hug. Gay is finding other men attractive and lusting to put your dick in them. I hug the majority of my guy friends and I have yet to ever lust a guy. Hugs are natural. Maybe I was just blessed with the perfect group of friends back in Greenville, North Carolina, but I hugged all of my friends, both guys and girls. It was never a big deal. I always felt it was much more akin to "You are my brother, my friend, and if you ever need anything I am here for you", not "You are my bro, my hoe, and if you ever need "anything" (wink, wink) I am here for you.

I guess this is the end of my thoughts on this. Feel free to write below what you think. I'd be interested to see how people in other parts of the country or world thing about hugs.

When I have nothing to say, I post a picture of me as a girl

I think when I have nothing to say is the scariest feeling I have in life. Not when it comes to conversations, not when it comes to speaking in front of a group of people, but when it comes to writing. Sitting in my room, and having nothing to say scares me. I want to make my living based on what I have to say. If I have nothing to say, where does that leave me.

I know others experience writer's block.

I couldn't think of anything to write after that. I think what bothers me is that for the first time in my life since 2005 I have TIME to write, and I can not find my voice. Yet, when I lack any time for writing my brain fires on all cylinders. I blame it on El Nino.

To reward you for coming to my blog filled with empty words, here is a picture of me in a dress. One of only TWO pictures ever made of me in a dress. Leading up to my birth, my sister wanted me to be a monkey. When my mom explained that it was not possible for me to come out a monkey, my sister said it would be ok as long as she had a little sister. Unfortunately for Heather, I came out a boy. To appease my sister's desire for a little sister, my mom and Heather dressed me up and made this picture. I introduce to the world my family's inside joke:  Brianna Spain. You're welcome.

Sometimes the best nights are the ones not planned....

So before I start this blog, I think it is important to state that FRINGE is by far and away the best show on tv. The most recent 3 episodes could quite possible be the best written sci-fi since the best episodes of Lost.'

I fully believe that life is what you make of it. But, I also believe that no matter how hard you plan and try to make life better, things will jump up and bite you and ruin your plans. It's how we deal with these (in my case, seemingly never ending) occurrences that defines whether our lives are good or bad, happy or sad, frustrated or rad. Yeah, I used rad in this blog. That's awesome, right? If I can get a "bitchin'" in here, I've done all I can do.

In my obsessive-compulsive view of the world, I want things to work out exactly how I plan them. As much as I love a free flow day where I can do what I want, when I want; I feel that if I take the time to plan out my day, then my day should be what I request of it. But, that rarely happens. Valentine's Day was one of those days where everything went according to plan. That was perfect.

Saturday night was not what I had planned, and that too, was perfect. I had planned on going to a party with a couple of friends, but one friend forgot all about it. In North Carolina I would have been upset, but here in New York, it happens. No matter how much we try to remember everything, it is impossible. Me and my other friend meet up, and decide instead of the party, we will just go to a diner and hang out. The diner was an excellent choice. The food was typical diner fair. It wasn't the best diner, it wasn't the worst, it was typical.

However, our conversation was anything but typical. It was great. I love having time to get to know someone when I think the person is worth getting to know. In this case, I most definitely do.

I planned on writing something funny today, but I have absolutely NOTHING funny to write about. Well this is kinda humorous, but not really. It makes me laugh. My friend today was saying that when we hang out on Friday, she will wear her pants sagging with boxers hanging out since we are going to "post up" at a bar. So I said, "Damn, guess I should have called dibs on that look, now I'll have to wear mine sagging with a thong". Which this isn't funny, but it is Bitchin'. BOOM! I used it! I deserve a prize.

Hopefully my next blog is much better than this one. Thanks for reading.

These BS LINKS Blogg, Vol 5

It's so GREAT to see MASE and PUFF DADDY in the same article again!
Oh wait, that was mace. My bad.

This is why I do not have the FACEBOOK app on my phone.
It is bad how much of our privacy is stolen from up without us knowing. I deleted the facebook app because of this.

Thank goodness I do not get the flu often!
Flu leads to Alzheimers

Special place in Hell for this guy
I hope that when I get money, I never become like this guy.

Warning: This Link title mayyyyyyyy be unintentionally offensive. If get offended easily, do not click it because I do not want hurt feelings.
This advertisement bombed

This guy got laid and I didn't. Something is wrong with this world.
What a dick.

Wait, the posterboy for atheism now says there may be a God?
There is a God. haha

Fur is murder! annnnd Murder is ummmm, help me out. MURDER!
Wearing fur is Murder, but killing someone for wearing fur, just good old fashioned fun.

Four Loko is what an underage kid drank before he died.
Maybe his parents should be parents instead of suing a drink company.

"Chink in the Armor"
Fox STILL refuses to report what was actually said. This reminds me of 4th grade when someone did something wrong and got send to the principal's office. Everyone talked about it, but no one would say what the person did. I find the lack of reporting on this more offensive than the offensive term.

Have a safe trip, see you next fall!
Girl falling on news

And boom goes the dynamite.... and you're pregnant.
Target

Warning: This girl is scantily clad!
According to another student at BYU. haha This is funnysad.

No more than 354 Facebook Friends please.
Hmmmmm.

Batman Swingers, where do I sign up?
This is for you Andrea.

These BS LINKS Blogg, Vol 4

Gross Mr. Buchanan, gross.
And to think, this guy came close to winning the Republican Presidential nomination in 1996.

I'll take over 15 Million for a month of work. Yep.
However, if you read this article, it isn't as bad as most CEO's get. You know, the CEO's that cut other people's pay at the lower level and cause layoffs.


OH TO
If I could teach T.O. one thing it would be that sometimes you apologize even if you do not feel like you were wrong. He has obviously never had a girlfriend. haha

Colleges banning plastic water bottles
This is GREAT news. I find bottled water to be a rip-off. It is also terrible for the environment. This is a win-win! And fun fact:  If you see me with a plastic water bottle, it has probably been used over 40 times.

Jason Whitlock is HILARIOUS!
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH HE SHOULD NOT have to apologize for this.

Judge me if you must, but this makes me sad.
I LOVED Degrassi! (The old school, not the new school)

FoxSports reported this story, but did not give what the offensive term was. Bad reporting. BAD!
It's sad when I have to go to no name sports blogs to get my news because FoxSports was lazy. However after some research I found out it was allegedly "Chink in the armor". Yeah, that's offensive, but that is a better line than 95% of comics could come up with so good job. And FoxSports usually has better coverage than ESPN.com. BOO FoxSports.com for being half assed today, or for being too afraid to quote what another company said. Shame.

Juror Jailed for Facebooking Defendant  THEN bragging about it on facebook.
Again, MAJOR site did not have a picture of this guy, so I had to go looking around the web and found it on a smaller site. Terrible reporting. AND here is the link to his picture, but you will see on USA Today they say the UNIDENTIFIED defendant, however she is clearly identified on Today's article in the first link. Seems that the more you look, the more reporters aren't reporting. What he looks like.

Valentine's Day aka S.A.D. (What it actually was)

[Before I start, I would like to thank all of my friends who came out to my comedy show on Valentine's. It means the world to me, and I am so thankful to have such wonderful and supportive people in my life.]

I will not go into how much I love Valentine's Day, since I stated that in the previous post, but for those who missed it, I REALLY love Valentine's Day. To Summarize: I am a hopeless romantic. In New York, I have noticed females are not so keen on guys being super romantic with them (and that sucks). Valentine's day is the ONE day where I can be myself and do sweet things and it is ok. Now on to the blog!

[And a super deluxe picture of us is at the end of the blog, so do not miss that!]

This was one of the three best Valentine's Days I have ever had. EVER! My top three in no particular order are this year, last year, and Melissa Stanley's year. I can not find a way to comparatively quantify which would be tops overall, they were all special. What made this year so special?

I woke up nervous on Tuesday. I believe part of what makes me so good as a comic is that I do not get nervous before shows. However, I awoke on Tuesday and butterflies were rampant. I did a lot of praying throughout the day. It wasn't just my show that night that had me nervous, I also had nerves from the pressure I had put on myself to give my Valentine the BEST Valentine's Day ever. I felt really honored to be Natalie's Valentine. I know that may sound stupid to use the word "honored" when describing a Valentine, but it is how I felt.

I had spent most of the day Monday shopping for Tuesday to make sure everything would be perfect. My goal for the Tuesday was perfection. Anything less would NOT be good enough. To me, my mission was accomplished. But do not let me jump ahead of myself.

I awoke nervous (as stated earlier), but knew the best way to calm my nerves was to practice my set. Even though I had already practiced it, and practiced it, and practiced it, and practiced it; practice would make me less stressed. And the more I practiced, the more the nerves disappeared. But, there were still nervous energy that could not be conquered. The only way to quell these nerves would be to cook.

A little known fact about me is that I love to cook. Also, not something I share a lot: I'm a REALLY good cook. It's a talent. What had brought about my nerves for the meal is that Natalie is a vegetarian. I have never cooked a vegetarian meal. Sure, if I did something simple, I couldn't really mess it up, but Natalie deserves better than "simple". Girls going out with me do not get "good enough", they get the best. When Nata-hottie was guessing what I fixed her for our dinner, she guessed "Steamed Vegetables". And I know that had I fixed steamed vegetables with rice, she would have been happy. And that would have been a fine meal, but for Valentine's she deserved better than that. Fine isn't good enough. It had to be perfect.

Although I haven't fixed a vegetarian meal before, I knew that if I trusted my instincts I could make a great meal.After listening to suggestions from my friend's fiance, I prepared spaghetti squash mixed with parsley and kale as the side dish. For the main course I prepared Eggplant Parmesan. I learned something that day. I am a GREAT vegetarian cook. I think I will cook more vegetarian meals in the future. (Sidenote: I have eaten nothing but vegetarian meals all week, and this will continue until Saturday (and have lost  another 2 lbs to get down to 178.5)) I got everything ready and placed it in the fridge.

I left to head to the club. I was hosting a Valentine's Comedy Show at Broadway Comedy Club in NYC, and I wanted to get there early. Natalie shows up before the show and she looked amazing. The room darkens and I go on stage. Natalie was seated on the front row. This was NOT what I was hoping for. It actually made me a little nervous. And by "little" I mean "Grand Canyon sized". I did my opening six and it seemed to go really well. People still love my "Dinosaur Arms" joke. As the night wore own, my nerves dissipated. I got stronger and stronger and by the end of the show was rocking out. The best part is, none of my friends could tell I was nervous. If they couldn't tell, then I know the crowd couldn't. WIN!

Natalie and I leave to go back to my place. We get home and I give her the gifts that I had gotten for her. I gave her a trophy (for being my hot trophy Valentine), a multi-pack of PopRocks (because she rocks), a home made card (because I feel those are more personal than store bought), and I showed her where I made a special picture for her on my Digital Picture Frame. I place our dinner in the oven. Fifteen minutes later I am serving Natalie her favorite food. I gave props to God for me guessing what to fix, and getting it correct. She could not believe I fixed it, and to be honest, I couldn't either. With dinner we had my favorite wine. I do not think it would be in her top 3, but she enjoyed it as well. It was a wonderful dinner. I mean, any dinner where one has to ice their nipples is a good dinner, right? WHAT!?! Exactly. (Just seeing if you were paying attention)

After dinner we started watching Bridesmaids. It was the perfect movie because we had said ages ago that we would watch it together, and just never had time. Valentine's was the night we finally had time. Hooray. I won't go into any more details about what happened post movie starting, but you can probably guess what happened. Without being gratuitous with the details, I think it would suffice to say we had some really hard core, engaging... conversation. I love that Natalie is beautiful, but I love even more that she is beautiful and can carry a good conversation. We talked a lot that night, and I am so glad we had several hours to talk.

By the time our eyes could not fight off sleep any longer, she had said it was her best Valentine's Day ever, and I had claimed it to be "Perfect!" My perfect may have came out as purrrfeck because I was sleepy, but she knew what I meant.

I would like to thank Natalie for being such an awesome friend and for being my Valentine this year. I feel really special, and really blessed to be able to bestow that title upon her. What could have ended up being a very sad, very bad, very lonely and depressing day for me, was a perfect day that I will remember forever. She eliminated my depression and got me out of my funk. I do not believe I would have kicked so much ass at comedy that night if it wasn't for her.

Here is a picture of us SUPER TIRED, but still willing to mug for the camera. You're welcome America (and parts of Europe)!

Valentine's Day aka S.A.D. (What I thought it would be)

[NOTE:  I was depressed for the two weeks leading up to Valentine's Day, and after reading this, I think you should be able to figure out why. But something magical happened as I was writing this on Monday the 13th, I realized that I deserve to be happy. I didn't post this because I wanted time to think about whether I should post it or not since my feelings were changing. However, after much consideration, I do believe that it deserves to be posted: Enjoy!]

I love Valentine's Day. There, I said it. I admit it, and it is in writing. When I am dating a girl, I try to at LEAST once every few weeks do something really sweet and romantic for her so that she knows how much I love her. But a lot of the time, I only try to do the small things so that she knows she is loved.  But on Valentine's, most couples try to up their romance, and I think romance is sexy.

I begrudgingly love Single's Awareness Day (aka SAD). It is only loved because I choose to embrace it as opposed to sitting home all day feeling sorry for myself. This year to take my mind off of the fact I am so desperately alone in this world, I will be hosting a Valentine's comedy show at Broadway Comedy Club in New York City. I will have the hottest Valentine I have ever had with me. I should be stoked. I should be the happiest I've ever been for a Valentine's Day. I will be doing the job I love, having someone I adore watching me perform, and then taking her out for a lovely Valentine's date afterward. A lot of people  would love being me for the evening.

However, I will still carry my hint of sadness. My heart still hurts from the dumping from my ex. Last Valentine's we spent the night together working at our Crumb-y job. It was actually one of the best days I had at that job. We sold out of cupcakes by 3:30 or 4. A second shipment came around 5:30, and those sold out by 6:15. For the rest of the night there was not much to do. The best part of it all was that I was spending it with a girl I was in love with. I was so smitten by this woman. She is smart, beautiful, witty, and talented. But I think the thing I loved about her most is that she is the first person I've dated where I trusted her completely and felt like she accepted me for me. So often I feel like people find me to be retarded, but she saw me for the good things that make me, me.

After work, we went back to her apartment in Chelsea and watched a movie. I know it wasn't fancy, or extravagant, or anything to make a romantic comedy about, but it was my best Valentine of my adult life because I was with someone I truly loved.

Neither of us work for the Crumb-y company that we used to work for. I know it is silly, but one of the first things I thought of when we both quit last April was "NOW we can have proper holidays together!" Valentine's was at the top of the list. I am a hopeless romantic, and I had always wanted a Valentine I actually loved to share the day with and plan romance. My wheels were already spinning on how I could wow her.

Flash forward a year to this Valentine's Day and she is nowhere to be found. My dream Valentine has been shattered. That is why even though I will be doing what I really love this Valentine's Day, I will be sad inside because the person that means the most to me will not be there. No Wrapido. No Hitchcock movie. No curled up on the couch not being able to get close enough to her even though I'm already squeezing her tight.

I know I should be thankful for all of the blessings I will have this year. I'm lucky to be doing the job I love on this day. I am lucky to have the hottest Valentine in New York. I'm lucky that I will have friends come to my show. I am lucky that my Valentine is willing to share me with a crowd that night. I am lucky.... But not lucky enough, because my former love will not be there.

These BS LINKS Blogg, Vol 3

Here are this week's links. I will start off with at&t.

Oh how I hate at&t
Throttled at only slightly over 2.1 gigs. BOO at&t. I think there needs to be a website with a database of what at&t is throttling people at. Like what the cut off is for. Update: Towards the end of this week at&t was mentioned at throttling anyone that breaks 2 gigs. They said this was considered in the top 5%. I can not find the official statement from at&t, but I wish I could remember where I saw it so that I could share the link.

UPDATE from this morning 2/13/11
at&t is terrible. Switch to Sprint. (And tell them I sent you so we both get credit)

This is an awesome Super Hero Toys link!
I found this on Saturday of this week and it was just great innocent fun. I like toys. I think if people wouldn't consider me crazier than they already consider me, I would still play with toys.


Anti-piraters PIRATING!
I ENJOYED this article immensely.


http://larrybrownsports.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Brandon-Spikes-Pink-Suit.jpg
This might be why the patriots lost. haha Seriously, it might.

In time for Valentine's Day, Romance is not dead.
This guy. He's a HOPELESS romantic. And I like how the judge said Red Lobster. I LOVE that place.

Sadness. Probably the stupidest reason for murder EVER!
Or the smartest. I defriended  someone this week because he copied one of my jokes on Facebook. I was livid, but when you have 5,000 followers on facebook and you have to use MY stuff to be funny, then that just proves I'm doing something right and I'm funnier than you.

The best way to prove you are not mentally ill is to sue for $900 trillion. Yeah, seems about right. Potato.
Right after filing the suit the woman said, "I am completely sane!" She then stripped naked, slathered peanut butter on her genitalia, and took off running down the streets yelling, "I like Ike!".

I hope you enjoyed the links for this week. :-)

These BS LINKS Blogg, Vol 2

Anyone that visited the blog last weekend noticed that I've started doing a LINKS blog with, you guessed it, LINKS! These are some of the stories I read this week that I found interesting. A lot of the most popular links floating around the interwebs will not be here because I figure if you have facebook, or twitter, or the news you will see those. However, sometimes I will still put one or two in. So for this week:

I'm leading off with a doozy.
I am SHOCKED by this. iPhone crashes more than Android.
I am not being sarcastic. I am a Phandroid, but I do not hate the iPhone. One of the huge points that isheep make is how stable their os is. Looks like numbers do not support this. I have always conceded that the iPhone was more stable, but it seems I was wrong. oops.

Shame on you CDC
This hurts my feelings because it takes away from those who really have been sexually assaulted. Shame on you CDC, shame... on... you. And this forces me to bring up the fact that it seems more and more "reliable" sources are just making shit up. People are making up facts and saying they are real. It's different when I tell my friend Jared I can run a 5.2 40. I have NO CLUE how fast I can run a 40, but I made that shit up. I would never try to pass it off as fact. I think more people need to start questioning surveys and "Facts" presented to us. Thanks to this article for calling out the CDC.

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/Carolina-Panthers-change-logo-for-first-time-013012
Doesn't his jaw look wonky? Our Panther has the Down's Syndrome. But you know what, I'm all for them including the Down's Syndrome community. It's about time they had a team to root for. Up until now, the only team you would have to be retarded to pull for is the Bengals.

You know if it comes from Examiner dot com it is NEWS!
Did anyone here ever think they would feel sorry for Demi Moore? She seemed like she had her ish together. Sure, in the 80's she had the biggest jungle bush I have ever seen (Nicole excluded) [if you want to see Demi and are too lazy to google it:  Seriously, this link shows you Demi naked, do NOT click it unless you understand fully that it will show you Demi naked with GIGANTIC bush. I do not want ANYONE offended. So do NOT click if you do not want to see it.], but she seemed like she had a great life. I have always admired her. And I'm not even speaking to the fact she was hitting on Efron, more power to her. I'm upset that she is on drugs and seems to be falling into darkness. I hope things work out for you Demi. :-/


http://entertainment.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/30/10270123-miss-piggy-and-kermit-fire-back-at-fox
YAY PIGGIE! Ok, this is one of the ones that has been floating around all week, but I LOVED IT!

There's a Special Place in Hell for Yael Rothschild
And this woman is a mother. I would HATE to see how her children act. Watching this video, it looks obvious who he intended for it to go to.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204652904577197233516122226.html?mod=WSJ_GoogleNews&mod=igoogle_wsj_gadgv1
Yeah, that's the way to prove to them you aren't violent, set fire to the stadium. WIN!

YAY for joblessness! And BOO for not wearing your nice Yankees fitted to job fairs.
I mean seriously dude, wear a nice fitted, not a creased one. PS How about not wearing a fitted at all!

Porn in the libraries? Hmmmm....
True story, when I started at ECU, there was a guy that would look at porn in the library all of the time. NO, it wasn't me. But he always sat at the computers right by the front door. He didn't touch himself or anything. He would just come in, look at porn for 30 minutes or so, then bounce. I often wondered what the rest of this guys life was like.

Dating can come without sex, second dating can not. :-P
hahahhahaha I make me laugh.

Good, ol' fashioned, WHO IS THIS BABY'S DADDY? comedy.

I thought about naming this blogg "Why Corny Guys Ruin it for the Rest of Us". But it didn't fit the entire blog so I had to come up with something else.

The only point I have about corny guys tonight is that one of my lady loves has THE PRETTIEST eyes. I mean wow. Don't get me wrong, mine are still better, but hers are amazing. And EVERY time I say, "Your eyes are amazing", I feel like a corn ball because so many losers say that because they can not think of a real complement. But seriously, they are amazing. :-)

I usually only date hot chicks. This is a given. And I have had more than a few people call me shallow, but I prefer to say I have refined tastes. Plus if I start dating all the less than gorgeous women, ugly guys are going to get upset with me. And if we know anything about an ugly man, it's that he has nothing to lose.

So this one girl (different than the gorgeous eye girl above) that I date got chosen a few days ago to be an NBA Girl for All-Star Weekend in Orlando. That's right, the NBA is flying her down to Orlando, Florida for the All-Star Weekend. I am incredibly proud of her. She is the definition of a hottie, and she is a great person on the inside and she deserves good things. Seeing her have the ability to do something she wants makes me feel good.

But, bragging on her is not why I'm writing. I'm writing because I was thinking that most of the NBA players are going to hit on her. This is a given since she is so HOT. And I spent a good hour thinking about which one I would be ok with if she did bang him. I decided Dwight Howard. He seems like a great guy, and his nickname is Superman. How can she say "no" to Superman? I mean, it can't be Kobe. He may be my favorite player, but what if she got pregnant. With that whole "rape" scandal a few years ago, I would never want a child to have to put up with taunts of daddy being a rapist (even though he was acquitted). I do not want it to be Lebron because he can be a selfish player, and she deserves better than a selfish lover. It can't be Dwayne Wade, because even though he is one of my favorite players, I think he would have a small dick. And that is NOT fair to her. You might think I would relish the knowledge of knowing I'm better hung than an NBA player, but then again, after seeing Greg Oden's picture in the buff from a couple of years ago, that knowledge has already been relished. And she definitely can't hook up with any no-name all star like Al Hortford (Who?!?!?! Exactly!). Out of all possible guys, Dwight Howard is the best choice.

AND the most fun is if she DID get pregnant, we would have to wait until the baby comes out to see if it is mine or Dwight's. That is several months of me saying, "Oh, I don't know, it's either mine or Dwight Howard's". That is something that can not be uttered enough in this modern life. Shoot, I almost think that whenever I do find the right woman, and get married, and decide to have kids, I will use that line anyway.

Long story short, I'm proud of my friend for achieving something that a lot of girls wished they could achieve. I know I have joked about her doing some non-lady like things, and they are simply that, jokes. She doesn't have to bang an NBA player. This was all a funny tangent that I thought of the other night when I was writing material for comedy. The basic premise was, "Who's the baby daddy: Me or Dwight Howard?" and all of the words you are reading have come from this one thought. I hope you enjoyed this blog and were not offended. It's just good ol' fashioned WHO IS THIS BABY'S DADDY? comedy.

These BS LINKS Blogg, Vol 1

Welcome to the first ever "These BS LINKS Blogg". This will be a blogg that has some of the better links I've seen during the week. I feel like I read a lot of interesting things, so it will be my way to share some of the knowledge I have gained during the week.I will try to post one of these every Sunday so you can catch up on the previous week. Enough explanation, let's dig in.

This is sexual battery? Really? No, this is just good old fashioned FUN!
This is funny. OH MY this is funny. I am sure EVERY person that has partied at ECU has either witnessed this, or knows someone who has. I think if everyone watching laughs, it can not be sexual battery. Just my humble opinion.

Ice Ice Baby, too cold, too cold
Sweet. There is no better mix in life than Vanilla Ice and home improvement. NONE. FACT!

Cougar is offensive? Since when???
This is just dumb. They found "Cougar" offensive, but were all in for the "flaming vagina" until they realized it is hard to draw a flaming vagina.

Oh Girl Scouts....
I knew something was fishy about the Girl Scouts the day I was in the mall and they had their table set up across from Lane Bryant. I wish the box said something like, "Now with 30% less calories!" haha

Dude, you SHOULD have said burritos
I have nothing else really to state about this. I often times do not get racism, but this statement just seems so odd that I can not wrap my head around where he was going with it.

Priceline no longer negotiating? That makes me sad. So long Shatner.
This hurts my feelings. Using the negotiator I have never paid more than $150 (including fees) round trip to NC. (To get it to be $150 I think you have to bid $121) That always saved me at least $40. This is a sad day for travelers everywhere.

U!S!A! U!S!A! GM again number one automaker in world!
I miss days of random U! S! A! chants. I think we should bring that back. Yes, it was used mostly in wrestling, but why not use it during football games after the National Anthem? Let's do this!

This guy is my Hero of the Day!
By now, most of you should have already seen this, but this dude is awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRvJylbSg7o
I think this is the best one done so far. Followed closely by "Shit Nobody Says". That guy is my new favorite actor.

This guy is my Hero of ANOTHER Day. Great job!
Man I love instant justice. My FAVORITE kind of justice is when someone tries to rob the pizza delivery guy and he shoots them. My belief is that if people knew there was a 33% chance they would die by robbing someone, they probably wouldn't rob someone. And those stupid enough to do it, wouldn't last long. BAM!

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed. I think this was a nice mix of different information. You're welcome. :-)

I am so glad to not be at Crumb's.

No matter how bad a day is, I am always happier knowing that I do not have to go to Crumb's any more. Who knew that working at a cupcake place could be so terrible. I know it's been almost a year, and I should be over my hatred of that place, but it is only slowly seeping from my body. At this pace, it could be another 4 to 5 months before it is all gone.

Today did not go according to plan. I feel like very few days actually go according to plan for me. It started off great, I worked on my Valentine's set and I think it is pretty solid. It's good for a Valentine's set. I didn't put any relationship material into my opening five because I'm not sure what other comics are going to do and did not want to step on any toes. And I can always go into relationship stuff between comics if others are not doing any material.

My friend Andrea is going to come dressed as a Panda. That makes me happy.

My friend Gina is funny. And I like her hair curly. That's about all that needs to be said about that.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a great actor, so then people could tell how close I was to having a panic attack. But alas, I'm cursed with the ability to hide everything and put on a brave face. However, my curse is a gift because I can do things naturally that other people can not do after many years of training. So there's that.

This weekend I'm going to start a series of post called "Thee BS Links". It will be some of the top stories that I've read during the week with some thoughts. I think it will be exciting for people. Exciting is a horrible word to use for this. Let me try again:  "I think it will be mildly entertaining and slightly informative". There we go, that is not as good a sell, but it's more honest.

I like boobs. I haven't said that lately and sometimes it needs to be said. So there, I said it.

This blog isn't good at all. It's garbage. I'm not going to mention it on facebook. BUT, I promised to blog once a week and I do not think thee BS Links counts so this is what you're getting. Sorry friends.

I promise to try to do better next time. OH, Tony Kornheiser says that at the end of PTI. I love PTI. I love Tony Kornheiser. I do NOT love that I just wrote a shitty blog. My bad peeps. :-/

Let's start off with this:
"Santorum Glitter Bombed at South Carolina Rally" (Not so sexy when I found out no strippers were involved)

I did not know what "Glitter bombing" was before reading this article. Now I know. I always called it "throwing glitter". Oh me and my technical terms for things.

And now for this:
This is a sex crime? I would have never guessed.

I'm sorry, this is funny. Anyone who doesn't find this funny, obviously never went to crazy parties in college. I laughed the day I read this article for the first time. I laughed when I told my friend to go check out the link. I laughed 25 seconds ago when I got the link to add it in this blog. I do not think it can be a sex crime when it is SO funny! [I laughed again when re-reading this post]

Now for the blog:

A long time ago (2007) in a land far away (Greenville, NC) I had a crush. Ok, actually it was more than a crush, it was a smitten love for one of my close friends. She decided she wanted someone else instead of me, and that hurt. Fast forward 4 years and some change later, and she tells me, "That was a mistake! I have NO idea what I was thinking". Although the sun has set on us ever having the relationship I so desperately craved back then, I feel very fortunate to still have this person in my life as a close friend. Hearing those words has put an temporarily continuous smile on my face.

This turn of events has led me down a road of reflection on my previous loves. I used to fall into deep smit at a rather constant clip. If it wasn't one girl, it was another. Sometimes I would not get the opportunity to profess my adoration, but more often than not I would get at least one date. I was a hopeless romantic. I would spend my days planning sweet things to do, and then when the opportunity arose, I could show my lady love just how romantic I could be.

When I moved to New York, I still had that same wide-eyed puppy love in my heart. In my first year in NYC, I probably had crushes on 100 lovely ladies. It would be hard not to when surrounded by so many attractive people. Somewhere along the line the love died. I can not pinpoint the exact moment I changed, but I know the relative time frame. My innocent smittens no longer exists. Now crushes rarely betide. Gone are the days of pining for a call, an encounter, a text. Gone are the days of obsessing over "what can I do to show this person how amazing I am". Gone also are the days of me being sad because things were not going exactly how I want them.

I know being constantly smitten is not healthy, but sometimes I miss my innocence. Or would it be more appropriate to say "my ignorance". I miss my rose colored views of love. I miss the rush of "OMG _______ called me!" I do not miss my feelings of awkwardness.

I hope this is not construed as that I have given up on love, for nothing could be further from the truth. I believe love is the most important thing in life. I only mean to state that I now realize that not every girl is "the one". Sometimes I can date someone just to date them and have a good time. That was a lesson that took way too long to learn, but maybe it took all of my missteps along the way, to make it to where I'm at today. (But more than likely those missteps just caused a major delay in me getting here. haha) I hold out hope that I will one day fall into deep smit again, but this time it will be because she has earned it.

I've done a lot of growing up over the past year, and for this I am proud. Needless to say, I still have a lot more growing to do, but I'm getting there. Be patient.

With that being said, I feel like I should end this blog with a dick joke. Here goes:

I've always heard you dress for the job you want, not the job you have.
So my question is this, how do you dress for blow?

You read that write, after all of the sincere writing about love in this post, I end with a blow job joke. That's a new joke that I wrote for the Valentine's SUPER Show that I am hosting at Broadway Comedy Club! You should come! Here is the link to buy tickets! TICKETS!

And here is an old show to get you in the mood. This was me just winging it one night bc I had a bad day. BUT, I'm still hilarious!

Wasted day? Well... sorta

I have done nothing today. The tough thing is, I didn't plan anything for today. Ohhhh I had assumed that I would work some more on my comedy, but alas, I only wrote one joke. It was a fart joke. Everyone needs one of those, right?

And I guess it wasn't a total waste, because I think the one joke I did write will be funny eventually, but I just feel unfulfilled today. I'm disappointed in myself. I figured maybe if I wrote something on here, I would feel like the day was a total waste, so here goes.

I once saw a homeless man in a wheelchair. He was missing part of his leg. He had five teeth, 3 of which were extremely crooked. He rolled by a penny on the ground, stopped, and locked eyes upon it. Then he swiveled his head around towards me and said, "I can't pick that up, it's tails, and that's bad luck". I nodded, and thought to myself, "Can his luck get any worse?" I think if I ever get that far down in life, I'll pick up the penny and risk it.

I think I will have a story about "Squirters" in my next book. Fascinating stuff.

I described the fashion of Jacksonville, NC as "camel toes and big bows". I think that about sums it up.

I'm writing a new set for Valentine's Day. You should come. $10 tickets mofo

"Mofo" isn't stored in my google dictionary. I feel like I have let google down.

I really am blah today. My time is so precious, and I get that I need to have a "me" day sometimes, but I would much rather have gotten more comedy done. I will have to bang it out tomorrow.

I like when women tell me exactly what to do. Do not confuse that with "bossy", although there is one lady friend that I call "bossy". She's a sweetheart though. But ladies, I am a very simple Brian. Tell me exactly what you want, and I'll accommodate that to the best of my convenience.

I wish "John Doe" had lasted another season. And that "Firefly" had lasted two more. At least with Firefly, we got "Serenity" to finish off the series. That was nice. And yes, I know there is a comic book, but by now you should all know I can't read. The bane to my existence.

I guess this is all for tonight. Just some random thoughts so I feel like I did something. I mean, my goal was to blog once a week, so at least I got that knocked out for the week today. Wish me luck in life, and for real, buy some $10 tickets. I will make your Valentine's MAGICAL! (I should learn ONE magic trick to perform that night. Yep.

PS I have THEE hottest Valentine in NYC.

Random Writings.

In advance, I should warn that this blog will have some "mature" language in it, AND PROBABLY not be that funny. Read at your own risk. Or your own reward.... what will it be?

Sometimes I don't want to fuck you.

I think I should have this printed on any blank t-shirt I own and wear it under my outer layers of style and flair. I was thinking about this today because I have a couple of friends that any time I give them a complement, they think I want to fuck them. Nope, sometimes I just think your hair is pretty, or that you look great in that dress. If I recall correctly, my first experience with this was at f.y.e. in Greenville. One of the girls working there thought that any guy that paid attention to her for more than a minute was trying to get in her pants. I always wanted to reply, "No, not with that gross mole on your face". But, I did not because I keeps it classy.

However, I know why girls think this, because most guys do want to fuck them. What did I tell you last week guys, this is the year of the gentleman, so no trying to score random poon! Sometimes I will meet a girl at the bar (or club, or supermarket) and want to talk to her simply because she looks like she has something interesting to say. Who doesn't love interesting conversation? Anyways, this is just a tangent that is going nowhere, so let's move on.

The previous paragraphs really have nothing to do with anything, but I'm working on material for my Valentine's Day Comedy Extravaganza to be held at Broadway Comedy Club and I was trying to turn this into a joke. I could not. So now it leads off another great blog from Brian Spain. Hopefully, the blog WILL get better from this point on.

I wrote this 8 years ago. I discovered it about 3 and a half minutes ago and had to share. I'm such a romantic.

My current feelings on love.... To me, love is like the ocean. It's big, and beautiful and spreads as far as the eye can see. Just like love, everyone gets all excited about going to the ocean. What will it be like? The ocean, like love is kind of scary. Especially your first time. Then when you finally make it in, everything seems to be going o.k. It engulfs your senses. It is a wonderful thing. Until you realize, someone pee'd in it.

And now, 8 years later I must add, "and do not even get me started on the fish smell". Ha ha. That's humor.

As mentioned earlier, I will be doing a special show on Valentine's Day (or as I like to celebrate, Single's Awareness Day) this year at one of the bigger comedy clubs in NYC. The room holds 250 and I hope it is a sell out, because playing to a sell out is what gets me going.

Sometimes I get frustrated with life, but lately I have not. I try to always look at the bigger picture. I'm further along towards my goal now that I was last year. Last year I did better than the year before. The year before was better than the year before that, and I think you see the trend. If I continue making my incremental steps towards where I want to be, then I will end up at my destination. But, if somewhere along the way I stumble, I've already accomplished more than I could have imagined when I was starting college. Life is cool.

I've been working on the book more over the past couple of weeks. Getting a new laptop that didn't bog down while opening word, OR overheat if on for more than an hour has really helped. I think I will do fine with this book. It's definitely funnier than the first. Here is the thing, some of the stuff I wrote all those years ago is funnier than what I think of now. However, most of the stuff is nowhere near as funny as I am now, or it just needs a little polishing. But in the end I think we can all agree, what do I know?

CES just wrapped. The Consumer Electronics Show is so exciting for me. I could go into all of the things I loved about it, but it would probably be easier to go to phonearena.com or cnet.com. So do that.

This hasn't been my best blog by a long shot, but they can't all be gold. If they were, I would make all other bloggers feel bad about themselves, and I can't have that on my conscious.

First BLOGG of the New Year. You know what that means, right?

I have no idea what that means. So if YOU know what that means, help me out.

(Insert sigh)

I watched a man last night tell his 5 year old son, "You need to learn your mother fuckin' manners". Yep, that's the Bronx. And that's some BS! I have slacked off on offering a "BS" moment in each blogg, I will get back to it.... pronto! That led me to think about us men, and our manners.

So I had an idea, and this is a radical one I know, but I think 2012 should be the year of the gentleman. I know Ne-yo tried to do this a few years ago, but it didn't take hold. But maybe this year it could. And guys, stay with me on this; ladies, you do the same. It is HARD being a gentleman to a girl. When you are polite to a female, she wonders what your ulterior motives are. And women make it hard for us gentlemen to be gentlemen. They will question you. I use that term lightly because it is more of an interrogation. It is HARD being a gentleman to a girl.

Guys, I understand your frustration when you try to be polite to a female when she gives you such grief. Especially in New York City, it is HARD to be a gentleman. BUT, let me let you in on a little secret guys. It's so hard because of us. This girl you are trying to be polite to, has already heard every line in the book. She has been catcalled (I never liked that term, but everyone knows what that means), she has had random creepers tell her how pretty her eyes are, and she has had her fair deal of guys that are only nice to her until he gets what he wants. I completely understand that girls do not understand gentlemen, and it is all of our faults. This year, put all the past in the past, and guys, go out and treat ladies with respect. No using the B word, when you speak of them. No "HEY MA!"s on the train. No buying a girl a drink and then expecting something in return other than a great conversation. And here is the thing guys, make the conversation about her for a change. I am sure you guys are great, you wouldn't be reading this if you weren't. However, if you want to set yourself apart from other guys, pay attention. She is probably pretty great too. Everyone has SOMETHING special about them.

I think at some point in time, every single one of my close friends has been surprised that I remember the things they say. I will tell you the secret of how I do that (Man, I am a giver today, telling you all of my secrets). It is very simple, I listen. If you are getting to know someone, and they are telling you something, then it is probably important to them. Therefore, the gentlemanly thing to do is LISTEN.

Now I understand that most of you guys just want cuddy. So for you guys, do me this favor (and I will consider it my birthday gift); take this year off. For 2012, let's have one year where all guys respect females. Wouldn't that be amazing. Remember guys, your mom is female, her mom is female, and this goes on ad infinitum. Hopefully you love and respect your mother. But, you may not get along with your mom, or love your mom, but she did bring you into this world. Therefore if you like living, you should be thankful to her for that at the least. And if you don't like living, buy my book. It's on kindle. It will make you like life more! And if it doesn't, kill yourself. If my book doesn't make you happy than you are already dead inside, might as well finish it off.

This is DEFINITELY not what I thought I would be writing about today, but it was on my heart so I thought I should write it. I had to write because I am keeping true to my goal of writing once a week. Woo Hoo! I like "Woo Hoo!" It is not something that I ever utter aloud, but it always looks nice written. You're welcome.